“…faithless and therefore trustworthy…”

A couple of people (who just happen to be my awesome dad and my lovely wife) have questioned in their comments what this phrase from my last post means. Rather than respond in the comments, I will do it in a post so that everyone can easily find it if they are interested. Maybe it will open up a new forum of conversation.

I have an idea of what I think it means, and it is very pertinent to the change that I have undergone in 2007, as is much of the poem. I really like the phrase immediately before this one in the same section. This year has brought about the experience of having to disappoint another in order to be true to myself. I know very much what that feels like. It felt lonely when I had to make the decision to do it. And it still hurts a little, especially when I realize that this someone doesn’t really understand my honest explanation for why it had to happen. So I am living the experience of this verse, and it makes sense to me because of that.

“…faithless and therefore trustworthy…” to me takes this concept a little farther. Too often, we humans mindlessly fall onto a path of belief for any number of reasons. For a quadrazillion reasons actually. And we don’t often think through why we may believe certain things or not believe other things. This is exactly partly where I found myself, now nearly a year ago, and wanted desperately to get off that path. It is part of the fuel behind the radical change of 2007. I have said that I wanted to own my faith, that I wanted to know why I believe what I believe, that I didn’t want to just in blind faith follow what was handed down to me. It needed to be mine. It is what prompted me to read the God Delusion by Dawkins and Mere Christianity by Lewis. It is what prompted me to explore.

I think “faithless” here refers to an individual who is not blindly prescribing to a system of belief without having thoroughly examined it. In essence they are faithless not because they have no faith, but because they have owned their faith and made it something that is unique to them. They are not subscribing fully to a set school of thought or belief system. Instead they have thought through it and taken bits of this school of thought and have owned it, and they have taken bits of that school of thought and have owned that, and they have maybe even come up with some of their own ideas. So faithless refers to someone who is owning their own faith, not just picking up some mantra of some other established faith and joining the masses. That is they way I want my faith to be.

So by being faithless in this sense, one has separated one’s self out as someone who thinks for themselves rather than someone who without forethought follows a system of belief just because it was passed off to them or handed to them.  This sort of person can be seen as more trustworthy than the one who just jumps on whatever bang wagon is near.  That is how I interpret “…faithless and therefore trustworthy…”

Good Stuff From Coach Hawk

I got this from Coach Dan Hawkins on his blog after CU put NU out of its misery this last weekend. Go Buffs! They are now bowl eligible. He got it from an author known as Oriah Mountain Dreamer from her book, Mountain Dreaming. Pretty good stuff if you ask me. Helps me keep my focus on what is important. Helps me keep in mind the importance of being a servant, bringing a little of heaven to the here and now.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Week 6 and 7

The Thanksgiving holiday got me backed up a little on updating my training portion of the blog. Plus, I’ve been working the entire holiday (lucky me), and it has been hectic. My job is great because I get a lot of time off. But when I am at work I am hoofing it. And I am choosing to view that as mental toughness training. Sometimes my job is relentless and kicks me when I am down. How better to train for mental toughness. Tomorrow is the last day of this stretch, and then I will have 2 weeks to devote to endurance training. That rocks!

So last week was a hybrid week. The first half I finished off my last endurance week with a long swim of 40 minutes, a long ride of 2 hrs 15 minutes and then a brick (which refers to bike followed by a run) of 2 hours. Then I have run 5 miles several mornings over the holiday weekend. That was week 6.

Week 7 will be getting back to endurance training with pushing all the distances again up to a bike of about 2.5 hours, a swim of 50 minutes, and a run of 1.75 hours. It feels really good to be training again. I keep picturing myself at the race in different situations. How will I handle this or that? How will I look here or there? And all of those pictures involve me finishing. I will finish an Ironman.

Relentless

Karmen and I were talking about good and bad in the world today and how God is involved in it. More specifically, we were talking about how song lyrics have seemed to carry new meaning for us in 2007 after going through a personal growth series called Breakthrough. One realization that has come to us is that there are many people in the world who are searching and who produce very deeply spiritual material that says something of their search. Often, Karmen and I find that their search and ours are the same. We are all searching ultimately for the same meaning. For the same relationship. And even though they may not claim that God is involved. He is. Anywhere that there is anything good occurring in the world, it is there that God is working to advance his kingdom even though those involved in that good work may not see it. Even when there seems to be overwhelming evil in a place and then a smidgen of good appears, I believe that God is at work there too. All good is traced back to God. It is the result of his work.

So I view God at work in the world like a constant pressure of goodness. A relentless pressure of goodness that will not let up or go away. And this relentless pressure of goodness is all around us all the time as God working to advance his kingdom and redeem his creation. And this relentless pressure of goodness will eventually always win. I likened it to Karmen as a comparison between two football teams, one bigger and stronger and more powerful and one smaller and slower and less powerful. The smaller team may for a half keep up with the bigger team. They may even appear to be ahead. But eventually the better stronger faster smarter athletes exert enough pressure throughout the game that the lesser team is overcome. It cannot stand indefinitely against a power greater than itself. It gets worn down and then crushed. I think of God’s goodness in the world in that way.  It will eventually and ultimately crush all that is evil.  God’s goodness is relentless.

Judgment

I don’t want to steal Matches’s thunder because he recently posted on the same topic. But I observed a situation this week that prompted me to think a little bit more (reminds me of a recent Budweiser commercial) about this. Let me set it up for you.

I am privy to a conversation that just happened to take place between a mid 30-something fairly mature adult with at least a bit of life experience and a early 20-something college senior who is also fairly mature but of course shorter on life experience. They had not seen each other for some time and found themselves meeting unexpectedly as they were visiting other friends whom they share in common. The conversation was light and pleasant and flowed from topic to topic as the evening progressed. In the course of their talking they began to discuss books they had read and whether those books were good or not. The book, Blue Like Jazz, came up. The 30-something stated how great of a book 30 had found it to be. The 20-something stated that 20 had to stop when 20 got to the part where the author talks about having a beer. 20-something said that 20 could just not go further.

At this point, the conversation became not light and pleasant. When asked why this was a problem for 20-something, 20 quoted scripture about “not causing your brother to stumble” and stated how important it was for “Christians” to hold each other accountable. At that, 20 left the room and avoided further conversation for the remainder of the time 20 and 30 were in the same location.

Now this opens up a HUGE can of worms. It may actually be worms and snakes. Big worms and poisonous snakes. There may even be a few lizards in there. And I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a dragon in there. Not the dragon from Shrek or Aragorn but the dragon from Beowulf (haven’t seen it, just have read it, but not recently). And I am not even going to begin to attempt to deal with all of the stuff that can come out of that can. It ranges from what is wrong with the institutional church to what is wrong with Christianity, from shame to grace, from love to hate, from holiness to hypocrisy, from mercy to judgment. I want to just deal with one side of the judgment piece. But please feel free to leave comments about any of the critters that can weasel its way out of that can including but not exclusive to what I have to say.

I think holding each other accountable and not causing others to stumble is really meant to be applied to a rather narrow window. That window is when an individual who claims to be devoted to and a follower of Christ and is invested in relationships within such a community, when that individual is walking an un-Christlike path and at the same time claiming it to be a Christlike path, that MAY BE the time to hold an individual accountable. Such a situation has the volatility to cause significant spiritual abuse to other Christ followers, especially those who may be newer to this faith. And I emphasize “MAY BE” because I think we need to take pause before we begin holding anyone accountable. I know for myself that I will never be the one who is worthy or able to “cast the first stone.” This is not something to be approached casually and lightly. It is a very serious matter and should taken as such.

So I found it surprising that 20-something would be so quick to jump to this position. I guess I may have stereotyped that generation a bit in thinking that those following me were going to be more open-minded and more about grace and more about love and more about joining God in bringing more of heaven and less of hell to the here and now as he advances his kingdom and redeems the entirety of all he has created than they are about keeping track of sins and who commits them and what they are and how many of them are committed. And I am further surprised that 20-something focussed so intensely on the “stumbling” piece. When Paul speaks of that in Romans it is within a discussion about how followers of Christ are supposed to act when they are living in community. We don’t really exist very intimately in community in our churches these days. And how do you even keep track of that? Are we all subject to everyone else’s experience as to whether they stumbled or not? What if me eating a coney with chili causes someone to stumble? What if my occasional 2$ coffee from Starbucks causes stumbling? What if my Japanese made car causes a stumble? What if my tattoo causes someone to stumble? What if me growing out my hair causes someone to stumble? And so I get it cut and then that causes someone to stumble because of the reason I got it cut?

Now 20 may say these examples are ridiculous. But are they really? 20 may say that these are not moral questions like alcohol consumption is. But is alcohol consumption really a moral issue? Jesus drank wine and the only instruction I know of about alcohol in the scripture is not to get drunk. Certainly drinking a beer is not going to make anyone drunk. So I don’t think that it is any more of a moral issue than my hair is. And what about the fact that a drink a day lowers your risk of heart disease by nearly 50%. Maybe Jesus knows a little thing or two about the benefits of alcohol.

So 20 then may say that it certainly can become a moral issue so we should just avoid it altogether. Maybe 20 would say that alcohol kills so many people. And I cannot disagree with the fact that alcohol can become a moral issue, but I would have to point out that ANYTHING and EVERYTHING can become a moral issue if taken to the extreme, and that maybe just all out avoidance is neither the best nor the healthiest way for us to approach this sort of problem. For instance I would point out the elephant in the room of Christianity, food. Food kills a great many more people each year than alcohol. And in churches (at least those which seem to be more focussed on avoiding sin than loving each other and others) this elephant isn’t discussed much if at all. And I don’t think that anyone is about to suggest that we avoid food because of the moral issue that it has become for 60-70% of Americans who are addicted. Could food be causing some to stumble? It looks to me like it is.

Before I get too ridiculous I will stop. My point is that these claims that we should hold each other accountable and not cause each other to stumble can very quickly become a super slipperly slope when they are taken away from the narrow window in which I believe they are to be applied. And again I will say that I think this is real hot potato to be handled very delicately by very mature Christ followers when there is the rare cause for it under appropriate circumstances.

As I was running I also thought of another angle on this “stumbling” issue. 20 is very offended by a beer, but I know for a fact that 20 has grown up going to movies. Maybe 20 doesn’t realize that the denomination of which 20 is a part and with which 20’s university is affiliated, has historically been very outspoken about this industry and has preached for decades, until very recently, that it was to be avoided. There are still many in that denomination who would view someone from their church going to movies as just the kind of stumble 20 is talking about. So would 20 feel like 20 ought to cut out movies? Maybe 20 would. And I think that would be sad. And I think 20 is thinking about this in a naive way which is probably just due to 20 being 20-something. And I think 20 is not applying those passages of scripture to the proper situation. And I think getting in a scripture shouting argument where people beat each other with differing interpretations of verses that are often taken out of context is dangerous, very dangerous. And 20 will learn. And I do love the passion that 20 shows. And I do love that 20 has an ideal that 20 wants to meet.

But it also helps me realize that there is value in the heritage that I have and that I do not want to forget this. A lot of good work has been done by those before me. I am 30-something, and those that are 50-something and 60-something and 70-something have a lot more life experience than me. A lot of good thinking has been done by them. And while they thought themselves into a box in some ways that I don’t like, not everything in the box is oppressive. And while I have worked and continue to work to get out of the box, I want to be willing to keep what was good about the box. And I don’t want to judge. And I don’t want to throw stones. And I do want to love. And I do want to show grace. And I do want to show mercy. And I do not want to misapply scripture. And I do want to become more like Christ (which is holiness).

And I don’t want to find someday that I have just built a different box.

Thanks for reading.

Up To Speed On A Few

Ok. I’m going to comment on several items here in one post. Of course there is the ongoing Ironman training for those of you who are keeping up with it. And as the photo indicates, I am at week 5 and still using all of my own fingers. This is an endurance week which means I am starting to push my distances a little bit and do those miles at race pace. Yesterday I did a 2 hour ride on the road and covered about 36 miles. Today I ran for 90 minutes and covered a little over 8 miles. Tomorrow is a swim day at 30 minutes, and I will add some biking after that to make about a 90 minute workout. I continue with push-ups and crunches at least every other day and am trying to get a little weight off as I would like to be at 180-185 pounds by race day. I will repeat all of these workouts again in the next 6 days.

As I was running today I pictured myself crossing the finish line in Phoenix after probably 15 hours of racing on that day coming April 13th 2008. What will it be like? I think I will break down in tears. In fact I think I won’t be able to control my tears. I may sob. I cried after my first 70.3 and didn’t really understand why at the time. And even still I am not quite sure that I understand it. But I do know that this is a deeply spiritual quest for me, even in some ways that I think God has still to reveal to me. I do know that he is in it with me. I feel him there, sometimes there more there than anywhere else in my life. So I will cry, and I may sob.

So this leads me to the next of the “few” which is someone else whom I have discovered was on a spiritual quest, and that is Chris McCandless. I read some stuff in Into The Wild again yesterday which stuck with me. Along with his body in that bus on the Stampede Trail were found clues to how he existed and to what he was thinking. One of those items was a sort of declaration of independence that he scrawled (the movie shows him carving it out with a knife) on a piece of plywood. Part of that declaration reads, “…The climactic battle to kill the false being within and victoriously conclude the spiritual revolution…” So it was a spiritual quest for him and he at least knew it by the end. He also in other writings indicates having a sense of rebirth or a new dawn and claims a path that he refers to as “deliberate living” by which he means intentionally living in the now. Then in early July (he walked into the woods in April) he finished reading Tolstoy’s Family Happiness. One of the passages he underlined in that book according to John Krakauer, the author of Into The Wild, was, “He was right in saying that the only certain happiness in life is to live for others…” It was at this point in early July that he packed his backpack and started the trek out, having a sense of discovered that which he needed to discover I am certain.

But as we know he found himself trapped by a river swollen by the spring thaw 3 to 4 times what it was when he easily waded across it in April. Then he injured himself by eating some unedible berries. Those two mistakes cost him his life and brought the story alive for the rest of us.

So Chris did not lose his life for nothing because his story has impacted me and helped me understand myself better. I would like to tell him that. His story, God is using to speak to me. And as I said before I will probably be reading it over again and again and again for some time.

So another part of the “few” is that sometimes I wonder what else I would like to tell him if I could. And today while I was running I came across yet another song from the Alter Bridge boys that has profound impact on me.

“One Day Remains”

As your will is bent and broken
and every vision has been cast into the wind
as your courage crashes down before your eyes
don’t lay down and die

‘Cause I see in you
More than you’ll ever know
And I ask you, “Why
You question the strength inside?”
And you need to know
How it feels to be alive

When every wound has been re-opened
And in this world of give and take, you must have faith
And the distance to your dreams stretch beyond reach
Don’t lay down and die
No

Cause I see in you
More than you’ll ever know
And I ask you, “Would
You question the strength inside?”
And you need to know
How it feels to be alive…

How it feels
How it feels to be alive…
How it feels
How it feels to be alive…
How it feels
How it feels to be alive…

Cause I see in you
More than you’ll ever know
And I ask you, “Would
You question the strength inside?”
And you need to know
How it feels to be alive…
How it feels to be alive…

So I wish I could have told him not to give up when he found himself in such a critical situation. And I don’t mean to imply that he did give up. Maybe he did absolutely everything he could to get out of there. In fact, I’ll bet he did try everything he could think of to do to get himself out of there. But I just wish I could have been there to help him, to encourage him, to say to him that you know what, it does look grim, it does look bad, but at least you know how it feels to be alive. And I can remember that for myself. At least I know how it feels to be alive savoring every moment and drinking in all God has created and placed and does here as he is at work in his kingdom. It is just awesome to be alive, and sometimes when things are bad that may all that I’ve got. But that is HUGE!

And now the last of the “few.” I was thinking as I heard this song today that there are really quite a few really good solid rock songs (Not that poppy stuff that tries to pass for rock. I’m talking good solid rock. Not metal either. Just good solid rock. If that phrase “good solid rock” does not make sense to you, then you don’t know what good rock is so don’t worry about it. You won’t understand it and don’t need to try. It’s just like those stickers that say “It’s a Jeep thing. You wouldn’t understand.”  So it would be appropriate to say, “It’s a rock thing. You wouldn’t understand.”) out there with really great lyrics and significant meaning. So I had an idea. I think that Dr. Paul (If you don’t know Dr. Paul sign on to www.heartconnexion.org and learn about what he does) needs to start a “Long Hair BT.” In the Long Hair BT only really good rock songs would be used. A whole additional population of folks could be reached, those of us who love good rock (who may also have long hair and tattoos both of which I am sporting). Of course I am joking, but it is a good idea.

And Bill, I am still working on that ponytail.

Ironman Training – Week 4

This is an updated version of the ”Week 4″ post on my old site.  I wanted to add a piece here.  You will understand why I am doing this thing if you go to the “Ironman Training - God’s Proving Ground” link in the column to the right.  Part of what I have learned through 2007 is better how to relate to God and as part of that, how he speaks to me.  He has helped me to understand that because he is living within me, not all my thoughts are my own.  God communicates to me in my thoughts, and some of them originate from him.  (Why do I even think that all my thoughts are my own when the creator of all things is living within?  How prideful I must be.)  There have been a couple of specific times in 2007 where I feel God has very dramatically invaded my head.  One of those happened this week.

I am working nights this week.  That involves admitting patients to the three major Wichita hospitals from 7 PM until 6 AM each of the 6 nights I am on call.  This duty rotates through our group so that each of us only has to do it every 2 or 3 months.  It is bittersweet because the workload is actually less than when I am working days, but the hours are just plain weird.  I really have come to understand that the whole light-dark-circadian rhythm thing is very real.  It will goof you up if you don’t respect it.  Not to mention just being on a whole different schedule than Karmen, my boys, and the entire rest of mankind.  So it can also be rather difficult emotionally and mentally and physically.  Well God helped me realize that this very thing is part of how he has restructured my life for my Ironman training (and I really believe this in my core to be the case).  Not only has he moved me to a job that allows me to have the time to do the longer hours of endurance training that I need, but he has also given me opportunity to work on mental toughness, the very thing that this night thing requires.  It takes mental toughness to complete the Ironman.  How great it is to see God by my side relating to me and working on me, for me, and through me.

Week 4 is going well. As I said last week, this turned into a sort of hybrid week due to an unexpected adjustment in my work schedule. So I have been in endurance workouts the first part of the week (Swim 30″, Bike 1′ 40″, Run 1′ 15″). I did each of these workouts twice. The rest of this week will be intervals in each of the disciplines. Next week will be endurance again with all of the above listed times extended.

I did have a small setback with a “squeaky tendon” in my left foot. Not sure how it developed but it did. I ignored it and ran 7 miles on it which was stupid because it made it worse. So I did swim and bike workouts and completely rested on day and then was able to run 1′ 15″ today on it with minimal problem. The condition is known as tenosynovitis and occurs when the tendon sheath inflames causing friction with the tendon moving within it. Hence the pain and hence the squeak. If you listen with a stethoscope, as Karmen and a couple of friends have done, you can hear the squeak. It’s like a cool party trick.

The picture is of me near the top of Pikes Peak at the 2007 Pikes Peak Marathon.  Bill, my racing partner, is behind me.  We finished in 7 hours 30 minutes.  And then I threw up over and over again for 6 hours.  What fun.

Not Sure What To Think

I had something a little different happen to me yesterday. I’m working nights this week so am sleeping from about 7 AM to about 2-2:30 PM. As I woke up I lay there praying. Into The Wild has caused me to re-examine how I view people. Chris McCandless saw every encounter with another person as a moment in time that he should savor, that he shouldn’t miss a moment, that he could be helped, that he could help. I haven’t really done a very good job of seeing other people this way.

I am a physician so come into contact with people of all walks of life regularly. Over the 15 or so years I’ve been doing this, I’ve become jaded. To be honest most encounters to me seem to be a nuisance. I seem to be irritated that people are sick sometimes. Of course sometimes the workload is just overwhelming and I feel like it is crushing me, but even in the slow times patients and sickness have equaled nuisance. I’ve been praying for some time, more since my interest in this story has been rekindled, that God would help me see people as Christ sees them, opportunities to offer grace, to love, to learn. My hope has been that maybe even I could come to a place where I look forward to those encounters as opportunities to be Christ, to spread his kingdom a little bit more, to be involved in his work in the world.

As I was praying these things, I felt the darkness in the room close around me in a comforting way and that merged into a vision of Christ holding me in his arms, like a lover would hold his beloved, like Karmen holds me. I had a sense of peace and happiness. I also had a sense of what in the world is going on here and tried to pull back but felt Christ reassure me and continue to hold me. It all lasted about 2-3 minutes.

I’m not quite sure what to make of it. It sure felt real. I’m going to think it was real. I can’t get it off my mind. It is just the thing I needed too as I start another night of admitting patients to various hospitals. Probably some will think I need to talk to a certain kind of professional.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Into The Wild

                                               

I came across this story a few years back. For some reason (I haven’t pieced it all together yet) I became interested in survival / outdoor / climbing stories and read quite a few books about survival techniques, survival stories, climbing stories. I also began climbing “Fourteeners” in Colorado each summer, a tradition which continues. As part of that journey of books I found Krakauer’s book, Into Thin Air, the story of the 1996 Everest climbing disaster in which multiple people died. I loved that book so much that I branched out into his other stuff, Into The Wild, being one of them. At the time, which was now probably 5 or 6 years ago, I remember feeling haunted by this story without really understanding why. It seemed to be saying something to me which I didn’t really understand. Time seemed to dull the haunting. Until now.

As seems to happen with all the good stories in our culture, it has made its way into the theater thanks to Sean Penn, and now I find myself haunted all over again. Karmen and I went to see the movie last week, and I have pulled out my copy of the book and am reading it again. I anticipate I will read it again and again and again and again and again. Maybe I will be stuck on it for awhile. I’ve started to mark it up with underlines and notes in the margins, and it will find its way to the stack of books I have by my bed that have had such a great impact on me in 2007 (Mere Christianity, Divine Nobodies, Velvet Elvis, The Way of the Wild Heart, Sex God). I keep them there for quick reference. This one will be on that stack. It may even be on the top of the stack for awhile. And I may blog on it for awhile so you best read it and go see it if you want to follow along.

I sense that God is pulling some things together for me with this book. He is showing me at least a little piece of how some of the things in my life over the last few years have worked together to bring about this crazy 2007. He is allowing me at least a little understanding of where it began. I am seeing just a little of how he has been working in me even when I wondered whether or not he was real. He is tying some things together. And you know just one reason how this is remarkable is that he is doing it through this book and this story. Somehow I came away from the first 38 years of my life with the idea in my head that if something didn’t have the “Nazarene” or at least the “Christian” label, then it was not the truth. If it did not originate from those sources, then it may be interesting but not of much value. Just the fact that I now believe that wherever there is something good happening, God is in that thing working to further his kingdom in bringing about more of heaven and less of hell here and now as he moves towards the redemption of ALL of his creation, is amazing. So here I am, the recipient of God advancing his kingdom in my life from a source that I wouldn’t have imagined 5 years ago.

This is the story of Chris McCandless, an upper middle class kid who was academically outstanding, athletically gifted, and from an intact modestly dysfunctional family. Upon graduation from Emory University he donated all of his savings to OXFAM and left what everyone is told to seek, the “American Dream” of power and wealth and status and stuff, to become a penniless wanderer across the United States in search of something. I am not sure that even he knew for what he was searching when he started. For over two years he wandered, his family having no idea why he left or where he was, experiencing the here and now instead of living for the then and there. He ended up dead of starvation after over 100 days of living off the land in a remote area of Alaska near Mount McKinely. Only then did his family and friends know what had come of him. He left behind journals and books (he was a fan of Tolstoy and Dostoevsky and Thoreau) with notes and entries from which Krakauer pieced together the story (along with extensive interviews of the people Chris encountered on his journey) and from which we can hope to understand his motivation.

The story is of course tragic in the end, and I am not claiming that leaving your family with no explanation is a noble adventure. And for those of you who have already thought as you are reading this that I am going to pull the same stunt, get yourself together. There is no need to start some needless conjecture in your circles of conversation. Call me crazy or weird if you like, but don’t state things that have not even a hint of truth. Chris made plenty of mistakes. As have all of us. But I can identify with why he did what he did. I understand it in my core because I am in much the same place searching for the same thing.

I think that he was on a spiritual quest. He had been told (or at least it was strongly suggested to him) what his life was supposed to look like. What he was supposed to think. Where he was supposed to go and what he was supposed to believe. And he looked around himself, and what he saw was largely hypocrisy. And he wanted nothing to do with that. So he went off to discover for himself where the truth lies. This is the same journey that I am on, and it is a spiritual quest. There are parts of his story, things that he thought, things that he did which seem to resonate in a crystal clear way deeply in my mind and soul. I feel that I understand him. I wish I could have met him.

I will blog more about this in days and weeks to come. For now, this is where I am. Have a great day. Do not stop journeying. Do not stop living here and now. Quit looking to then and there. God’s kingdom is here, NOW.