An Interesting Path To Humility

Disclaimer: I almost didn’t post this. After I wrote it, it seemed the very fact that I wrote it was not an act of humility so I  kept it privatized. Karmen, after her read this morning, very strongly encouraged me to put it out for general viewing. I am doing it solely at her prodding.

I have an interesting experience that is ongoing. One of the things it is teaching me is a bit about humility. I like to call it appropriately humiliating. It is not one of those hit you hard and leave you lying in a mess kind of humility lessons. It is a gentle ongoing lesson in being appropriately humbled. Now for the story.

My youngest son has wanted to try TaeKwonDo for several years. But he has a problem with being easily embarrassed so getting out in front of people all while doing kicks and punches has been intimidating. At one point a few years back we signed him up for a $15 class at our local YMCA. Karmen and I watched as he stood against the wall for the entire class refusing to participate. It was then and continues to be interesting to me that he was so afraid of being embarrassed that he tried to protect himself from that embarrassment by doing something which looked more ridiculous than actually participating in the activities that everyone else was doing. How often, I wonder, do we behave in that same way? We all do it. How often has my standing at the edge of a crowd, refusing to get involved in the conversation, been the same exact thing? How many times? But that is probably for another post.

So we waited a couple more years, and his interest in TKD stayed intact. My oldest son started football this year, but my youngest had to sit out until he is old enough. So we tried TKD again, this time at a local TKD academy that had a good reputation. On that first night, knowing that there would be some trauma to work through for this little guy who has a tendency to be embarrassed, we showed up early. One of the instructors took him out into the gym to begin explaining the basics. Sure enough, there he stood crying. He and I had talked about this beforehand and that I would not rescue him, that he was going to do this thing. The head TKD Master stepped in, gently prodded him along, and he completed that first hour long class like a champion. I was so proud of him. Now, 5 months later, he is a yellow belt and will be testing for his orange next month.

The first Wednesday of each month at our particular gym is “Bring a Buddy Night,’ and, of course, Jace wanted me to come along so I did. It was really very enjoyable for me. Unlike any athletic thing I had ever done. Jace wanted me to sign up and do it with him. After considering the benefits it would give me to my triathlon training (mainly core strength and flexibility, two things I was looking to improve at this season) and the fact that Jace and I would be doing it together, I decided to sign on after Jack’s football season ended. So I did. And it has been a great. Jace and I are having a blast.

Here is where it gets interesting for me. Tonight, I test for my yellow belt. And I find that I’m excited about it. A lot of friends and family come for all the testers. There will be people testing for nearly all the belt levels so the crowd could be rather large. It will be a good time. So in my little group of fellow white belts testing for their yellow are a girl who is in Jace’s 3rd grade class at school, a boy who is in the 5th grade, and another girl who is about 15 years old, and then me, 40 year old dude. We have developed a bit of a bond, high-fiving each other when our roundhouse kicks deliver a bit of power, helping each other up when we fall or fail. We usually end up working in our same group each class because we all started about the same time and are on the same testing schedule, working on the same forms and kicks and punches.

In the entire class of which I am a part there is one other adult male. He has a son who is 16 or 17 who is also in the class. Everyone else is early teens or younger with most being in the 5 year old to 11 year old range. To begin each class we line up in order of rank. Almost all of those 5 to 11 year old’s out rank me so me and my little group are always near the back of the class. The other adult is testing for his blue belt tomorrow so I am at the bottom as the lone adult.

I have realized over the past few weeks that this experience has been appropriately and gently humbling. I have graduated from college, graduated from medical school, graduated from post-graduate residency training, passed my medical board certification and re certification, lectured in national and state level medical meetings, delivered 1,000 or so babies, performed 500 or so colonoscopies, performed 500 or so EGD’s, managed managed critically ill ICU patients on a regular basis, am a full time teaching faculty member at a residency program, have full physician privileges at three hospitals, played college basketball on scholarship, finished an Ironman triathlon without any outside coaching and am in training for my 2nd, finished several Half-Ironman triathlons and am in training for two more, finished the Pikes Peak Marathon, climbed several 13,000 and 14,000 peaks in Colorado (one in blizzard conditions), backpacked in and out of the Grand Canyon, surfed in California, played basketball in Europe, won a George Brett scramble golf tournament and shook Mr. Brett’s hand at the awards banquet, played a few small rock concerts, and best of all married a beautiful woman, inside and out, who teaches me how to be a better human being on a daily basis. I know listing all those things is not a measure of humility in and of itself, but it is pertinent to what I have experienced in TKD.

All of those things don’t matter for a second in my TKD class, especially tonight. I am still a beginner right along side my little group, and I am outranked by large numbers of children. I am at the same skill level as my little group of four. We will be doing the same test forms and kicks and punches as a group tonight in front of all those people. And rather than feeling embarrassed and like I ought to be considered differently than them because they are kids and I am some big shot adult, I am actually honored and humbled to be doing it with my little friends. In fact, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It is the way it should be, and it is appropriately and gently humbling. We will succeed together.

I have traditionally thought that most humbling experiences were of the harsh slap you up side the head and leave you crying in a heap type. But I have learned through this TKD experience that keeping myself open and honest to what is before me and the situations in which I find myself can actually teach me humility without the agony. There are a lot of lessons to be learned out there, and I don’t know that any of us are ever finished, certainly not when it comes to learning more about humility. I for one hope that I never consider myself finished. The learning is what is important, not so much the result.

My Kind of Christianity

As I follow the flame that consumes me, that fire of knowing God as he wants to be known, I have been confronted by many and varied paradigms. My blogging buds (John, Jason, Yael, and Luke) have really provided some great mental stretches for me, and we continue to wrestle with each other as we also wrestle with God and how we each believe he is manifested in this crazy life. One of the things that has hit me rather squarely in the face is how arrogant and offensive Christianity can look as we discredit the beliefs of other faiths in our claim that only Christianity contains truth of any value. I don’t see Christ as having behaved that way, and a message of offense does not seem to be the best way to approach the interfaith dialogue table. One of the things I like about the emerging thought movement within Christianity is how it seeks to evaluate just about every corner of the faith in an attempt to understand if we have gone off in an errant direction. One of the people doing this, and really stretching my neurons, is the Irish philosopher, Peter Rollins. I have recently been reading his two books, How Not To Speak of God and The Fidelity of Betrayal, both of which challenge me on just about every page. I would like to share a bit from the second work today. He is quickly becoming one of if not my favorite author. I think I should have gone into philosophy or law instead of medicine sometimes. These guys mesmerize me.

One of the things the Rollins really seems to like to do is turn things on their heads. I find myself spinning as I read him so much so that I think I will have to read each of these books 4 or 5 times to really get all the stuff that’s there. One of the themes that I see throughout his work is that God is found in the searching, not in the result of the search. This idea is again expressed in his second work on page 133: ” As we attempt to understand our faith, we will develop ideas and practices that help us. Yet the point is that we must always be ready to critique these ideas and practices, for they are forever provisional. To display our fidelity to them we must always be ready to betray them.”  I love that. It really is at the heart of my search for God, and I believe is at the heart of the emerging movement.

Within this willingness to betray, Rollins includes our interpretations of scripture. He is not suggesting that we just throw out everything, but he is suggesting that we challenge and refine and adjust as more is revealed to us. Perhaps one of the largest sacred cows in our Christian institutions is our various interpretations of passages of scripture. It is this, after all, on which all our fracturing of Christianity into denominations is based. I am myself presently in the infancy of my own project to reread the bible straight through and to read it differently, as if discovering God for the first time without any of the previous biases that I have inherent. In a sense I know this is impossible, but I certainly at least hope to attain a cleaner reading.

Rollins gives, in his discussion of Christianity critiquing itself, a different interpretation of a common parable. Jesus is discussing the kingdom: “What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? It is like the mustard seed, which is the smallest of all seeds on earth. Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade.” The more standard interpretation here presents Christ as the founder of Christianity, starting a movement that will grow until it becomes a great institution, providing shelter for all who seek it, a religion that will offer salvation to the world.

But, and as I am finding is true for much of my understanding of the bible, there is a much different way to look at it. What if the birds do not represent the innocent taking shelter? What if, as in other parts of the bible where birds are described as stealing  God’s seed, they represent evil? The interpretation then speaks of a religious movement  that will one day grow into a vast institution that will house much evil. An amazing contrast that contains much truth. Both interpretations offer truth about the church today, about Christianity today, about Christians today. And Rollins, as is true of much of his work, believes that we need to stand in the tension between the two which is a place where one cannot adhere strictly to one system of thought about their faith in God. There is truth all over the place, and as Rob Bell would say, God is responsible for it and I am to claim it.

I really like this way of thinking about my faith. Closing myself in a theological box for too many years suffocated me. It was turning me away from God. This journey of discovery, on which I am finding many companions, is reviving me. Thanks for reading.

NT Wright According To Van Halen

Leave it to me to find a way to interweave one of my favorite theologians with one of my favorite rock bands. But I have found a way. Actually, I noticed the coincidence a while back, and I believe that I even mentioned to a good friend of mine. But it’s time to post it. I was doing a BRICK yesterday (in triathlon that refers to a workout which consists of a bike followed by a run) and heard a particular song on an old playlist (it is a proven fact that you can train at greater intensity and for a longer duration while listening to music) and decided to put it out here.

The song is Best of Both Worlds, and, in my humble opinion, it is on the list of the greatest rock songs of all time. Great guitars. Sammy instead of Dave. Classic Van Halen sound. And who would guess, great lyrics that don’t focus on sex. Of course, Van Halen is partially known for lyrics with double meanings, the second meaning of which is often sexual, so I may be missing the boat here by refusing to look for the second meaning. Anyway, here’s the lyrics:

Don’t know what I been livin on.

But it’s not enough to fill me up.

I need more than just words can say.
I need everything this life can give me.
Come on baby close your eyes.
Let Go. This can be everything weve dreamed
It’s not work, that makes it work, no.
Let the magic do the work for you.

Chorus 1:
Cause something reached out and touched me.
Now I see that all I want…
Chorus 2:
I want the best of both worlds.
And baby I know what its worth.
We can have have the best of both worlds.
A little heaven right here on earth.

There’s a picture in the gallery of a
Fallen angel looked alot like you.
We forget where we come from sometimes.
I had a dream it was really you.
Chorus 1
Chorus 2

Bridge:
You don’t have to die to go to heaven,
Or hang around to be born again.
Just tune into what this place has got to offer.
Cause we may never be here again.
Chorus 2

Rob Bell in Velvet Elvis talks about how God is responsible for all truth, wherever we find it. And that wherever we find it, we should claim it. It is God’s truth whether it comes from scripture, church, a pastor, a rabbi, Buddha, Gahndi, Torah, New Testament, the Florida Gators, or a rock band. So I am claiming it.

NT Wright talks about how Christ referred to God’s kingdom as something that was both at hand and continually coming. My Jewish friends reading will not understand this, and I understand that they have no need for it, so they will have to accept my apologies for being so blatantly New Testament here. But NT Wright makes some important points for us as Christians, and this song speaks to it in a way. Dr. Wright returns to the more classically orthodox belief that Christ’s return will mark completion of a work that is currently underway, that being heaven (God’s realm) and earth (our realm) continually coming together. The culmination of that is God’s restoration of all of creation to himself and in the state that he originally intended. This makes much more sense to me than the current mainstream dualistic Christian belief that God is going to wisk those away who have jumped through the right hoops to some spiritual eternal existence with him while the bulk of mankind is sent to an eternal hell for punishment because they missed a few of the hoops. It also places our focus on what we can do here and now to make this world a better place rather than focussing on the avoidance of something, namely sin. When we spend our lives avoiding and sterilizing we forget to go out and do. I don’t think God intended that.

So Van Halen captures this thought first in the title. I want the best of both worlds, heaven and earth. Later in the chorus heaven on earth is even mentioned. I like that. There is also a bit of a sense that there is something unexplainable out there with words like “let the magic do the work for you,” and “something reached out and touched me.” But I perhaps like the bridge the best, and I especially like the line that you don’t have to die and go to heaven or hang around to be born again. We get so focused on what is out there in front of us and predicting what it actually is that lies out there in front of us that we forget to live now. We forget to “just tune in to what this place has got to offer because we may never be here again.” We fail to see how imposing our Christian religious beliefs on others can actually be very offensive and elistist. And then we hide behind the excuse that we are giving them ultimate truth so who cares if they are offended. Great stuff to remember, and I think about it ever time I hear this song.

So I may be reading a lot into it. I’m sure Van Halen wasn’t researching NT Wright when they penned these lyrics and then made a eleventy billion dollars off the song. They may actually be talking about sex. So maybe I out to be trying to find a way to link it to one of Rob Bell’s other works, Sex God. Either way. Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading.

Thoughts From The Holidays

I had a series of interesting experiences over Christmas and New Year this time around. I wouldn’t call it stressful at all. And in fact, most of the family with which my wife and I interacted would probably not have any clue that what they were saying or doing was interesting to me. But, while I did have fun and got plenty of sleep, I would say that enjoyable edge, you know that untouchable thing that makes gatherings a really, really good time, was not there. I enjoyed myself. But it wasn’t awesome. Let me enlighten you.

On the 26th we headed to Manhattan to spend some time with Karmen’s family. One of Karmen’s brothers and I have over the last couple of years planned a gag gift for our straight-laced brother-in-law. In the past it has been funny to me. This year not so much. Why? Well it has centered around getting him some form of alcohol and a cigar or two and slipping them into his stocking which makes it appear like they were given by Karmen’s mom when of course everyone knows that they weren’t. The only reason why this is even funny in the first place is because the families that both Karmen and I have come from see alcohol as devil water, our brother-in-law especially. This year we decided to put up the any and give the gift of 3 little airplane sized bottles of 80 proof stuff. Definitely a step up. It was modestly funny. But the whole time I was thinking two things. The first: isn’t it sad that a ton of evangelical Christians will eat themselves to 350 pounds and see no problem with it but cannot even begin to think about a glass of wine with friends. They are killing themselves faster with food than they would with alcohol. And if they trusted themselves enough to drink a glass or two of wine even every day, they would actually be improving their health. The second thing was how much fun it would be if everyone had had two shots of rum prior to opening our gifts or playing games or whatever. So while the gift was funny, it was also a reminder of being closed inside the fundamentalist box. I have worked very hard to get outside of that box although I will confess that getting past the alcohol issue was not all that hard. It is partly just common sense.

Karmen’s other brother is especially tight so we don’t tease him much, although he is a very nice guy for whom I have a lot of respect. He is from Illinois and has a Duke University MBA. Smart guy. Because of the Illinois governor thing he was asked what he thought. His reply was that he didn’t think much about it. He was asked if he voted for the guy. His reply was no. He was asked why. His reply was that he didn’t need to know much about him because he was a Democrat and that was enough. You know, I really should expect this kind of thinking from him knowing from where he has come. It is representative of the thinking through the entire church from which we all came. But I was really surprised and taken back a bit to hear it actually come out of his mouth. Three or four years ago, maybe not so much. But now it as though I am seeing it from the other side. I have worked hard to get out of that box.

Now Karmen’s brother who went to the devil water store with me to purchase 80 proof, he is a bit more relaxed in some ways, but as I soon found out, a bit more wound in other ways.  They live close to Little Rock, AR. We were talking about schools and such and the issue of gun control came up. He is pursuing a conceal and carry license because “Obama is going to take our guns.” And he really believes it. As does his wife. Somehow this led into a discussion of social justice, I don’t remember how it got there, and as part of that discussion how America treated the Native Americans when we spread out over North America. His opinion was that we have given those people everything, and they have just squandered it. And he believes it. I was actually shocked to hear these words from him. That is an awfully closed box he has there. I have worked hard to get out of that box. He and his wife went on to say that their little community was forced to allow some government supported apartments go up and how those people just love saying that they are from this little community. A really tight box.

My wife and I didn’t see the point in seriously challenging anyone on these statements and behaviors in this setting. All it would have done is taken a slightly tense environment where everyone is at least acting happy to one where the tension is out in the open with everyone yelling and angry. This is a very opinionated bunch with not much out of the box or different box thinking going on. No one is going to change their mind. Their theology is wrapped up and packaged in a neat little binder and there is no need for them to change it. I would even go so far as to say that it is working for them right now. Why should I push them off the edge? So we packed up and left for Colorado at our appointed time. The next part of the story begins.

My parents live in Colorado and we always make a point to get out there to see them over the Christmas season. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect this year because I think my parents don’t quite know how to read me right now. When I started this blog, they viewed it regularly, and my dad commented often. But I imagine I have said some things that they think are flat out wrong theologically speaking and have really pushed many other boundaries. In the last 2 years I have questioned much, almost everything I have previously thought to be true. And I think that has made them nervous and afraid. And maybe it makes them feel like they have failed me in some way. But I don’t know those things, I just suspect them. I don’t know because they have quit engaging me in any way about this kind of stuff. For awhile they did. But is has been 6 months or more since they have done that. If they are concerned I would much more greatly appreciate their engagement on a deeper level as my equal than I appreciate their silence. And maybe they are reading these very words. I have taken a risk in putting this out there. Maybe they are reading in their silence. If so, I hope they are hearing me.

My dad has been sending, via email, a bible verse with his thoughts on it most days since he retired nearly a year ago, and I don’t quite know what to make of them. Occasionally there is other stuff life book reviews or reading suggestions or little articles. It could be read as just him being kind to his kids and offering something that he thinks is helpful. This is how I have chosen to view it. But some of it also seems to have a theme to it almost like there is an other purpose behind it so it also could be that he really is very worried about me and my relationship with God and is sending me things to try and help me see what he thinks is the truth. If the latter is true, again, I would much more greatly appreciate the engagement and the discussion. So I have taken a risk here by putting this out there. I hope it is productive rather than destructive.

So our time in Colorado was mostly pleasant but not much deeper. We did some shopping and enjoyed a day in Estes Park. We ice skated and went to see The Tale of Despereaux (which is has an amazing message about getting outside of the box by the way, something I found very ironic while sitting there with my wife and my sons and my parents). We ate some good food. We exchanged some nice gifts. And it was pleasant. There was one curious incident with one of my boys asking his mother while pointing to a picture of devil water at Texas Roadhouse if she was going to get any. My mom definitely saw the exchange and said nothing. We have been trying to educate our boys about it resposibly and not out of fear and ignorance. An interesting exchange to be certain. But we had to get back home for the last part of the story.

On January 3rd we attending a wedding. It had been on our calendar for quite some time, and we wanted to attend. A really quality young couple whom my wife introduced was getting married, and we wanted to support them. The only catch was that the ceremony was at our old church. That meant that a lot of our old church friends would be there. We have heard from several various sources that many of them think that what I have described above as getting out of the box, they think of as us going off the deep end. They think we have fallen away from the truth. And this has come at us from several different places. So I was a bit nervous about showing up in their current back yard, our former back yard. In fact, I expected to be very nervous.

But it was different than I expected. As we were driving there, I didn’t get nervous. And as we arrived and parked in a full parking lot indicating that there were probably 600 people there, I didn’t get nervous. And as we walked inside and the usher led us up the side aisle to about the 5th row from the front, I didn’t feel nervous. And as I sat there with all those people looking at the back of my head, I actually felt very strong and very brave and even a bit proud of myself. Karmen and I with our boys between us looked at each other and smiled. Our presence there actually seemed to be saying that you know, we are OK. In fact, we are good. We are fine. We are where we want to be. And as the ceremony went forward, I actually enjoyed being there. And I gave a few hugs and a lot of smiles and few hand shakes and had a couple of good conversations. And yeah, a few people seemed to avoid us. But in the end I was glad I went, glad I have worked so hard to get out of that box, glad to be strong where I am, and glad to be continuing to search because I think that if I ever quit searching, it is at that point that I am lost.

This all came full circle last night as I was reading in a new book, The Fidelity of Betrayal, by the Irish philosopher Peter Rollins. I am only about 40 pages in but already it is challenging me, again rearranging the walls of my box. Because it is really quite impossible to completely be outside of a box, I at least want my walls to be comfortably movable and very short so I can see over them easily. This book will help me with that, and I could probably write a post on every page of it because it is so rich with ideas and new things. In chapter two, the author talks about wrestling with God and gives a couple of examples from Genesis. Concerning Abraham and his argument with God persuading him from destroying Sodom, he makes two points: one, that Abraham felt that he was in essence free to question God and two, that God did not seem to mind being questioned. The author then moves on to the case of Jacob actually wrestling with God. When Jacob discovers who the stranger actually is, he is unrepentant that he has wrestled with God. God then blesses him with a new name that comes to represent all of Jacob’s descendants. Rollins then comments that this must bring us face to face with the idea that possibly God wants a fight. And as I look back on my fight to get out of the theological box I was in, and as I look at the way we have to struggle in this world to gain any ground, and as I look at how sometimes we experience pain, this makes a whole lot of sense to me. The fight helps us.

I have said before and will put again here that I don’t think God is threatened by my questions. And maybe Rollins is right when he says that God actually wants me to question, and could it be that God actually likes a fight. In his previous book, Rollins touched on a similar topic when he put for the idea that God is actually found more in the searching than he is found at the end of the search. I like that. And I like where I am at the end of 2008. And I like the fact that I am searching and learning and that you all are a part of it. I am OK. In fact, I am strong. I am right where I want to be.

A New Year Laugh