A Person Here AND A Person There

I know you all probably think I’m a bit crazy with all this talk that trends along the lines of heaven or hell, in or out, included or excluded. If that is the case, so be it. This is a point that I am stuck on, and I know of no other way to get unstuck than to get it out of me. I think I slowly am feeling the wall crumble beneath me though so I’ll keep yaking away.

I’ve been reading Where Men Win Glory by Jon Krakauer. It’s the story of Pat Tillman. Great book and just the kind of thing Krakauer is best at writing about in my opinion. I like Krakauer, and now I love Pat Tillman. I’ll be at Arizona State University in 3 weeks for my next race, and I’m going to walk around the campus and ponder what I know about Pat Tillman. Think about the man that he was. Think about the sacrifice that he made. And I’m going to buy a Tillman jersey at the bookstore. I find myself significantly impacted by the book and who he was as a person.

I’ve been thinking about two people. One is Pat Tillman. The other is “Joe Christian.” Over here on the right is Tillman. Tough yet sensitive. Strong yet emotional. Confident yet humble. He drank some alcohol on occasion. He used some less than choice words on occasion. He passionately defended the weak and downtrodden. He was passionate about honestly and truthfulness. He was passionate about loyalty. He was well read. He asked questions, lots of questions. He journaled. He was a devoted husband. He met his wife when they were children and stayed loyal to her the entire time. He was a devoted friend. He loved relationships. Pat Tillman was a loving, and largely moral man who defended the weak and less fortunate. He was willing to risk his life and eventually gave it up tragically because of the principles on which he based his life. And he was not religious, at all.

Then over here on the left is “Joe Christian.” Joe Christian is strong and sensitive. He is humble. He’s not afraid of emotion. Christian gives of himself to the weak, the downtrodden. He believes in loyalty and honesty and truthfulness. He reads a great deal too and is not afraid to ask honest questions. Christian is a devoted family man and a solid friend. But Joe doesn’t drink any alcohol, never touched a cigar, can’t remember a time when he used a “cuss word.” Joe also goes to church 3 times a week and teaches Sunday School (man I don’t like that term). Joe has said the “Sinner’s Prayer.”

So here we have two guys, and I mean to present their qualities as just about equal. They both love. They both are moral. They both live a life that is defined by love for humanity. Yet many Christians that I know, including myself a mere 3 years ago, would say that Pat Tillman lost out, that he is going to eternally suffer while “Joe” will be fine with an eternal loving God. And now, at this point, that just seems utterly ridiculous to me. Am I really supposed to believe that Pat Tillman who lived as fine a life as anyone else I can name is damned because he drank a bit, cussed a bit, and never said that he loves Jesus? Really? He lived a life that is the very definition of love, supposedly the most important commandment according to Christ, the very thing that God is about if I am to believe many who surround me these days, and he is going to suffer because he didn’t define himself by the things he didn’t do and failed to say a few critical words? Really? Is that what Christianity wants me to believe? I just don’t think I can buy it any longer. I may be at the cracking point where I throw that piece of me out to the goats. If that’s really what God is about, what I don’t do and a few choice words, do I even want any piece of that God? I’m not sure that I do.

Some of you seem amazed that this is an issue for me. And the reverse is that I’m amazed that it’s not an issue for you. I’m not sure where this came from for me other than to say that is was a part of the culture in which I existed for the first 35 years of my life. That culture defined itself, maybe not in words but certainly in its behavior, but what it didn’t do, and it was those things it didn’t do that supposedly made it pure. And of course you had to say a few little words. And I innocently believed it and did my best to live it. And now it feels in my core somewhere that there is a little voice telling me that I was deceived. Like that was the wrong message. And when I read about Pat Tillman, I think that little voice inside may be right.

Man is this a hard idea to get out of my heart and head.

Show Me How To Live

First, an apology. Sorry for not being very active in the blogging world of late. Life is busy right now. Both of my boys are playing football on separate teams. Add to that the final stages of training of for my next triathlon. Then add to that a couple of weeks of being on call. And then add to that keeping the priority of my family in place, and I don’t have much time left. My days are usually get up and train. Work. Support my boys at football practice. Eat dinner. Spend some time with my wife. Get to bed for at least 7 hours of sleep. Not much time for other stuff right now. But, even though it’s busy, it’s a good kind of busy filled with the stuff I love.

I’m still finding some time to read and think though. One of the things I’ve been thinking about is how religion turns God into a formula and teaches us to listen to everybody else’s truth instead of our own inner voice. All you have to do is jump through this hoop of theology and this hoop of behavior and this hoop of how of how to think and this hoop of devotion to the church and this hoop of blah blah and you’re good. God will accept you. But wait. Over there, at that church there is a different set of hoops. Is that the right set? But wait. There is a different set over there. And over there. And over there. We end up looking rather schizophrenic and feeling rather schizophrenic in our minds and souls not knowing who or what to trust. And you know what I’m becoming convinced of?…all that division, all those hoops, teach us to not trust ourselves. It teaches us to be directed by something outside of us, not something from within. And if one believes the Christian story, doesn’t Christ say that a helper will be sent to guide us? That can only come from within.

Audioslave has a song, Show Me How To Live, that in my opinion captures the tension resulting from this schizophrenia. See what you think.

VERSE:

And with the early dawn

Moving right along

Couldn’t buy an eye full of sleep

And in the aching nights under satellites

I was not received

Built with stolen parts

Telephone in my heart

Someone get me a priest

To put my mind to bed

This ringing in my head

Is this a cure or is this a disease?

CHORUS:

Nail in my hand

From my creator

You gave me life

Now show me how to live

Nail in my hand

From my creator

You gave me life

Now show me how to live

VERSE:

And in the afterbirth

On the quiet earth

Let the stains remind you

You thought you made a man

You better think again

Before my role defines you

CHORUS:

Nail in my hand

From my creator

You gave me life

Now show me how to live

Nail in my hand

From my creator

You gave me life

Now show me how to live

BRIDGE:

And in your waiting hands I will land

And roll out of my skin

And in your final hours I will stand

Ready to begin

Ready to begin

Ready to begin

Ready to begin

CHORUS:

Nail in my hand

From my creator

You gave me life

Now show me how to live

Nail in my hand

From my creator

You gave me life

Now show me how to live

Show me how to live

Show me how to live

Show me how to live

Show me how to live.

My take is this: It’s no accident that the DJ at the start of the video talks about freedom of the soul, and it’s also no accident that clips from the 1971 film Vanishing Point, whose main character refuses to give into the establishment, fill the video.V1 jumps right into the tension. All these sources telling him what to do. He doesn’t know which one to trust including whether he can trust his inner voice. He is willing to just talk to a priest to try and get the confusion to stop. In the chorus he cries out directly to God to show him what to do. In V2 he starts to figure it out a bit. He reminds those who think they have it all figured that we are all stained in some way so we better be careful in our claims to each other that we know the truth before we define ourselves by the truth we think we need to impose on each other rather than listening to the truth within us. By the bridge he seems to have found that he in fact does need to trust his inner voice and self more than any other source. This is how his creator speaks to him.

And I believe that, my friends, is how we should be living our lives, listening to our inner voice. God is there. It matters not so much whether you think that God is Christ, Buddha, Karma, Allah, Yahweh, or Nature to understand what I am saying. We should be in control of ourselves from internal sources, not leaving that control to things or people external.

Mutts

I heard someone say awhile back that mutts are the healthiest dogs. It may have been on TV or it may have been a conversation I overheard or it may have been something I was in the middle of, not sure. But it stuck in my brain and then something I heard today brought it back to mind.

I was listening to Colin Cowherd on ESPN radio. Yes, it’s one of my favorite (maybe my top favorite) radio shows, and I especially love to have it on in the background when I find myself doing paperwork (detest it) or reading (love it) at my desk on some mornings I am fortunate to not have other duties (today is one of those mornings). No, sorry to disappoint, I don’t listen to NPR (don’t even know where to find it), can’t stand Sean Hannity (voice is too whiny), quit listening to Christian talk radio 3 or so years ago (don’t want the fundamentalist indoctrination any longer), and haven’t really gotten into podcasts yet. I get plenty of news from the reports at the top and bottom of the hour and would do fine if the only station available to me forever was ESPN radio and TV. Maybe that makes me shallow, but I just don’t get much from the talking heads on either side of the fence.

Colin Cowherd brings a bit of a different style to the typical sports talk show. He has a good radio voice that is pleasant to hear, but the thing I like most about his show is the fact that he has a ton of common sense that applies to various sports stories and extends that out to life application much of the time. He has some very good insight.

Today he was discussing where good NFL quarterbacks come from. And you know what, they don’t come from Texas, Oklahoma, USC, Florida, the perrenial powerhouses. I was very curious about this so I actually did a bit of research. Take a look at the following list. Every one of these 40 quarterbacks can be found on most “Top 100″ lists. Most of the top 25 are included in this 40 with a few others who I like or are notable names thrown in for good measure:

1. Troy Aikmen – UCLA
2. Ken Anderson – Augustana College
3. Sammy Baugh – TCU
4. George Blanda – Kentucky
5. Tom Brady – Michigan
6. Terry Bradshaw – Louisiana Tech
7. Daunte Culpepper – Central Florida
8. Len Dawson – Purdue
9. Lynn Dickey – Kansas State
10. John Elway – Stanford
11. Boomer Esiason – Maryland
12. Brett Favre – Southern Mississippi
13. Dan Fouts – Oregon
14. Bob Griese – Purdue
15. Otto Graham – Northwestern
16. Doug Flutie – Boston College
17. Jeff Hostetler – West Virginia
18. Sonny Jurgensen – Duke
19. Jim Kelly – Miami
20. Bobby Layne – Texas
21. Donovan McNabb – Syracuse
22. Steve McNair – Mississippi
23. Jim McMahon – BYU
24. Peyton Manning – Tennessee
25. Dan Marino – Pittsburgh
26. Joe Montana – Notre Dame
27. Warren Moon – Washington
28. Joe Namath – Alabama
29. Jim Plunkett – Stanford
30. Phil Simms – Morehead State
31. Ken Stabler – Alabama
32. Bart Starr – Alabama
33. Roger Staubach – Navy
34. Fran Tarkenton – Georgia
35. Joe Theisman – Notre Dame
36. Y.A. Tittle -  Louisiana State
37. Johnny Unitas – Louisville  
38. Michael Vick – Virginia Tech
39. Kurt Warner – Northern Iowa
40. Steve Young – BYU

Even if you add to the list of Texas, Oklahoma, USC, and Florida a few other traditionally “powerhouse” football schools such as Alabama, Notre Dame, and Michigan, this still means that 34 of these 40 great NFL quaterbacks went to underdog football schools. The point Cowherd was making is that these guys, most of the greats, went to schools where they were in the trenches, where they had to suffer, where they had to work for greatness, where they had to grind through the muck to come out on top. They didn’t go to schools with five star recruits at wide receiver and running back and offensive lineman like the quarterbacks from the big schools usually have. His feeling was that life as a quarterback at those powerhouse schools was a softer life. From Cowherd, “Kurt Warner was bagging groceries while Matt Lienhert was bagging Co-eds.” The mutts who have to fight through the toughest challenges are the strongest in the end.

I have had a theory about sickness. It’s just an observation of mine, not proven scientific fact although I have read some medical literature which supports my theory. The theory is this: the more obssessed an individual is with killing germs in their environment, the sicker they are. It is with regular frequency that I see germ obssessed individuals frequently harboring infectious illness of all sorts. I know people who carry hand sanitzer with them everywhere and use it frequently, flush their sinuses with water nightly, only use “antibacterial soap,” get their kids on antibiotics at the first sign of a sniffle. And they are just more sick more often. I think that being too clean puts you at a disadvantage. Our immune systems are evolved to be tested and through the testing gain strength to protect us down the road. If your immune system goes untested it ends up just like a muscle that goes unused, weak and with little endurance. The mutts who are out in the wildnerness tromping through the dirt and scaveging for food at times are the strongest.

So all this kind of came together this morning while listening to ESPN (and I love that fact by itself, that things came together while filling my brain with more sports). It’s not a brand new epiphany but kind of a repeat epiphany. We only get stronger when we are challenged, when we grind through the muck, when we rise above the suffering, when we find ourselves outside of our comfort zone, when we stretch. The thing that is a bit new about this though for me is that I think this can be expanded to include faith and spirituality too. It’s true for everywhere else in life. It’s true for faith too. If your faith is never challenged, if you never find yourself in the middle of the muck, if you never get outside of institutional and denominational culture and doctrine, if you never find yourself with doubt, your faith will be weak. It will not grow with you. It will be stunted. If you never challenge it, even if you don’t feel you need to challenge it, it will not get stronger. I seriously doubt that faith gets stronger by praying more, by reading the bible more, by trusting more, by singing more songs, by memorizing more verses, by doing more work at church, by following more rules better. It only gets stronger when you or someone else takes out a hammer and starts beating away at it. It only gets stronger when you really challenge it, really doubt it, really wrestle with God like Jacob. And I think that’s what versus like “Work out your own salvation” (Phil 2:12 (one of my personal favorites)), or “Run the race as if to gain the prize” (1 Cor 9:24), or “Don’t build your house on the sand” (Matt 7:26) at least partly are meant to convey. Get out the hammer, get out of the comfort zone, get out a good dose of  doubt, and then go at it. Because in the end, the mutts are the ones who come out stronger and healthier. I want to be a mutt. And sometimes that’s a scary place because it’s dangerous and sometimes the mutts die. But so do the thoroughbreds, and sometimes all it takes for them to die is to step on their foot wrong. I’ll bet in the end that the mutts do better.

Fear-Based Faith…

I’ve been reading The Unlikely Disciple, a book by Kevin Roose who was a student at Brown University but switched to Liberty University for a semester to experience it and then write a book about it. It’s a fascinating book, and thus far I think nails the Christian Evangelical culture down pretty solid, not in an abusive or destructive sense, but in a sense of having a very accurate assessment of what I, someone who has grown up in the thick of it, know it’s problems to be. I will probably post some more on it as I get through it.

This topic of fear of God has been prevalent in my last two posts as a motivator of my faith for much of my life. There is a quote from The Unlikely Disciple that does a very good job of exposing that culture of fear-based faith the dominates the Christian landscape. Roose quotes Jerry Falwell on page 48. This is a statement that Falwell made on September 13, 2001 while appearing on The 700 Club:

“The abortionists have got to bear some burden for [the attacks], because God will not be mocked…And when we destroy forty million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way–all of themwho have tried to secularize America–I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped this happen.’”

How’s that for evangelism and faith based on fear? It is no wonder to me why I got this message and now am having to fight it back when so-called Christian leaders make these kind of statements. No wonder at all.

Where I’m At…

I thought after my last post, I ought to follow it up so that the people who commented and follow along a bit will know where I have landed. July seemed a bit like hell on earth for my little family. I described it to a friend as something akin being thrown into a wood chipper. Didn’t see it coming. Didn’t expect it. But it happened. And now I’m here on the other side feeling like some of the baggage I was dragging around wouldn’t fit through the chipper so I find myself rid of it and feeling like I have a bit of a solid footing from which to catch the next wave (man do I love being out in the waves of the ocean with a surfboard).

So I’ll try to be brief. First off, I think I have gotten past the God question. It really comes down to a basic question that is more philosophical in nature than it is scientific. How did this world get here? There are only two real possibilities. It’s either by chance or it’s not. If it is by chance, then there is no reason to believe in a God. If it is not by chance, and by extension therefore purposeful, then there is great reason to believe in a God/Creator/Format/Etc. Some may inject a third possiblity here, that we were placed here by aliens of some sort, but that really just moves the location of the question because then one asks how the aliens came about. So without laying out a buch of detail as to why right now (I’ll do a bit of that further down), suffice it to say that it seems much more likely that we were created. And that is the point of faith. We all have to choose one direction on this question, and it takes faith to believe in your choice. There is not sufficient proof on either side to rule out the possibility of the other. And that is faith no matter how you look at it. I feel very comfortable with that.

I feel more comfortable believing in our purposeful existence for a handful of reasons, but soon after I came to a comfortable place at this point, I began reading a book called Chi Running in order to work on my running efficiency for my triathlon obsession/passion/dysfunction. Of course, there are introductory words about Tai Chi as a practice, what’s behind it, the history, the theories, the philosophies, and I find it fascinating, so much so that I believe this book will be significantly helpful to me across the breadth of my life actually, not just in running. Principles like centering one’s self really speak to me, especially after coming through the chipper, as I feel like prior to this experience, I was lost with all sorts of centers, none of which were receiving adequate attention. This side of it, I feel lean, and centered.

One of the principles I read about is that involving fundamental truths, universal laws, those things which have universal application at a deep, deep level across the board for the world and humanity. Call it a “format.” My friend John (TitForTat) bases his belief in a God on this format idea, and I think I am not far behind. There are things of this nature all over the place. The Chinese study of movement in Tai Chi. Newton and Einstein’s study of physics. Simple observations in nature such as palm trees not growing well in Kansas and polar bears not doing well in Arizona. When we go along with the order of nature and the universe, when we understand what these deep truths are and move with them instead of against them, we are centered and life goes much better for us as individuals and as a community. All of this order is unlikely to have come about by itself, and to me strongly points to the divine.

But I want to take it a bit of a step further. Danny Dreyer, the author of Chi Running, quotes Cecil B. DeMille on page 31:

“It is impossible for us to break the law ourselves. We can only break ourselves against the law.”

I’m not exactly certain what the circumstances of that statement were. And I think I may have even heard it or read it prior to this book. But I am understanding it in a different way today. Dreyer is using it, of course, to say that when we go against these fundamental truths, we are setting ourselves up against the way that it is best to live. Disharmony. We are making it difficult for ourselves and setting ourselves up for pain and injury and distress.

So the thought came to me that what if we looked at the bible this way in a certain sense. I have always looked at it as a book of rules, hoops to jump through, mistakes not to make. And that has had me looking at God as a cosmic law enforcer practically looking for reasons to strike me down. No wonder I have found myself trying to get out from under that sort of pressure by doubting God’s existence. But what if we look at the bible as the creator of the universe, the dude who knows all the fundamental truths, telling us the way it works best? What if it is God saying, “Hey, I made all this. I know how it works best. I know how to best be in harmony with it. And here it is.” I think maybe this is a much healthier and more centering way to view scripture.

The Cycle Goes Round Again…

I’ve written before, a couple times actually I think if you look all the way back, about the same thing that haunts me now. God. Is he real? Does he exist? Does it matter if he does or doesn’t? Does it matter what I think of it all? Why do I repeatedly find myself here? I’m going to again lay out my honest thoughts. Thoughts that feel close to as deep as I can go within myself. Why do I doubt?

I’m tired of being scared of hell. I’m tired of feeling like God, if there is one, is pissed off because I am some ugly sinful worm. I’m tired of feeling like this pissed off God is going to send me to hell if I don’t jump through a series of hoops (some sort of ”sinner’s prayer,” baptism, communion, some “second work of grace,” tithing, some sort of ministry, some special amount of prayer/reading/devotional time) to prove my devotion to him. Does God really need that? An all powerful God demanding that I do all of these things that seem like trinkets? Really? If God really is about love, why would he need that? If he is all powerful, why does he need that?

But then I wonder, is God really about love? I find that probably mostly, I am not sure. We have this human convention of the trinity as a description of how we look at God. How God is. Three in one. All equally God yet separate. That word, ”trinity,” is not in the bible, but we sure hang a great deal of our theologies on it. Well, God the Father part of that looks a lot like an angry bully who would be fine with sending my butt to hell. Sure he has a softer side that is kind and loving. But that just makes him seem bipolar. I don’t know that it is helpful, to be honest, to see that he has a softer side. Because then you don’t know which side you’re gonna get, that is, I guess, unless you jump through the proper hoops.

On the counter side of this God the Father image we have a different image of Christ, the second part of this trinity. He is loving. He is sacrificial. He exudes grace. He accepts. A much better side of God I think we would all say. And I see and hear a great deal of thoughts and words that say in essence that Jesus is the lens with which we are supposed to view God. Well, who says? It is a nice idea to be sure. But is it correct? Where does it say in scripture that humanity is supposed to do this? And is that just sticking our heads in the sand? I mean, if God is there, he is who he is no matter what lens we decide to use. Using a lens to see God differently, to ignore the angry part,  just distorts the truth? If there is an angry, jealous, vengeful side of God that will send me to hell, what good is it to blind myself to that by looking at Jesus? God is still who he is. If he is there.

Another sticking point for me is the fact that this all could be just humanity fooling itself. Our phyche’s, our emotion, our minds, can do some crazy and amazing things. It is certainly reasonably possible that it is all in our heads. That God is all in our heads. That Jesus is no different than Zeus. That the bible is no different than any other scriptural book. That the “warmth” of which Wesley spoke is nothing more than psychology. Emotion. Neurons doing what they do. I don’t see that it can be proven that it is not this. So what does one believe? How do you know? I’m just not sure right now.

A final sticking point is how screwed up we are as humans. The culture of the church teaches Christian perfection. I’ve been on call this week, and I again realize, as I do over and over again, how we are all screwed up in our own way, so much so that the idea that there even is anything called perfection seems ridiculous. We all hurt in ways of which we are not even aware. We all have protection mechanisms of which we are not even aware. We all have systems of thought that influence everything we do, think, and say, and we are not even aware of them. With that in mind, the idea that there could even be a series of hoops that we could all jump through properly in order to be acceptable to God is just ridiculous. And if that’s true, then it seems to me, if the story of Jesus is true, that God either set out to save everybody, regardless of the hoops, or we are all going to hell. Considering the state of humanity, it seems that it has to be an all or none proposition. The way I have been taught to read scripture and the doctrines of the church and the cultures of the church though go against that. That confuses me. What seems most correct to me is that we are fooling ourselves if we think that some of us are doing good enough and some of us aren’t. We are all screwed up.

I don’t know why I find myself here over and over again. If I am deeply honest with myself, it feels like I have been carrying around this God thing, hoping that it is true, really trying to believe that it is true, trying to find a way for it to be true, but if I am honest, that seems like all it is. Hope that it is true. And I am not certain that any of my hoping and searching and thinking and wondering and praying has really gotten me anywhere different. How can I know? Why are some people so sure?

But why do I hope? And what does it mean that I hope? I’m pretty sure that I am stuck here, at this point, without an understanding of how to get past it. I know this probabaly comes across as angry and cynical, but I don’t mean it that way. It’s honest. It’s what is deep inside, at my core. I apologize to anyone who reads this and finds their faith shaken. That is not my intent. These are honest questions for which I am in search of honest answers. That’s all.

If it is the case that I am saying things you find to be heretical, destructive, unhelpful, please ignore me and forget the address to this blog. I don’t want to do any damage.

Bondage A Bit Further

Sorry to have disappeared off the face of the earth for 10 days or so. I left town to compete in my race (Kansas Ironman 70.3 with race report here) and then embarked on an amusement park trip with my family to Worlds of Fun in Kansas City and then Disneyland and Laguna Beach. Got back last night. We were supposed to go to Silver Dollar City in Branson, MO, today but Jack developed an ear infection so we decided to delay that part. I’m a bit motion sick after 4 plane rides and 3,000,000 roller coasters so am glad to put that part on hold. But I failed to get a notice up before I left town as I intended. So now I’m back and ready to get going again.

I started a book on the plane called The Sacredness of Questioning Everything by David Dark. Just saw it on Amazon as I was looking around one day. It had good reviews so I decided to try it. And it’s good. Real good. Maybe as good as Crazy For God. It rings home with nearly all of the things I have been going through over the last 2-3 years. Very affirming.

My last post on bondage struck a chord with a few so I wanted to go a bit deeper. When I refer to the church and systematic theology as bondage, I am referring to the ideology that develops with everyone becoming strictly like-minded. That can be very destructive, and it is one of the bad things about the church as a whole. Dark captures that in a bit of a different light on page 22-23:

“…Religion is born out of questions, not answers. Only a twisted, unimaginative mind-set resists awe in favor of self-satisfied certainty.

We often call such a mind-set ‘fundamentalist,’ but we might simply call it ‘bad religion.’ And for the sake of humility – a characteristic crucial to sacred questioning – we might do well to confess that we’re capable at any moment of such bad religion ourselves. We’re capable of reducing other people to a cartoon character or caricature. We tend to be unwilling to treat what we perceive to be the opposition in a proper manner. Instead of dealing with others with a sense of graciousness and fair-mindedness, we devalue them in the very ways we fear they devalue us.

More humility might characterize our talk of God if we believe that the whole truth can never be entirely ours and that our attempts to nail God down are always well-intentioned human constructs at best and idols at worst. We might become more self-aware and pay closer attention to how our ideas about God affect the way we treat other people. We might commit ourselves to asking and receiving questions. Living in this way, anyone – even someone sporting an offensive bumper sticker – might be a bearer of the wisdom we need and a speaker of a word from [God]. Perhaps we should occasionally place our hands together like Buddhists and bow to them. Or, as a Celtic prayer has it, we might sense the spirit of Christ in the heart of the one we speak to and the one we listen to.

When we don’t speak agreeable to someone with whom we disagree and don’t know how to ask questions because we think we already posses most answers, we’re practicing bad religion. We aren’t curious or kind (save to our fellow believers) and we can’t be made to question, even for a moment, our fear-hardened beliefs. As best-selling atheist Christopher Hitchens put it, we’re breathing in the religion that poisons everything.”

This nearly exactly describes the situation to which I awoke and found myself in the middle of. The answers I was getting to honest questions were “you need more faith,” “you just have to trust more,” “you aren’t close enough to God,” “you aren’t giving enough of yourself.” These may be well intentioned, but they are not remotely helpful and are more about shutting me up and keeping the peace and keeping me in line than they are about giving honest answers to honest questions.

So what do you think about this quote from Dark? It’s a great book. I’m only a few chapters into it. And I promise you I can find a way to tie it to The Matrix.

The Matrix – Bondage

I went on a run with a good friend today. We used to train together when he lived in Kansas. He now lives in Arizona, but we get in a bit of training when he and his family are back visiting family. Our runs and rides were filled with conversation that covered the entire landscape from family to faith. I miss these training talks and cherish the few times a year that we are able to engage each other in this way.

Our conversation today wandered over to bondage. The bondage in which we find ourselves without realizing we are there. The bondage that, once we are aware of it, either has to be broken apart or submitted to. Watch the clip and then continue on with me. Sorry for the captions. It was the best visually that I could find.

We talked about the bondage that comes about from institutional church. Now hear me out. I am not claiming that institutional church is all bad. There is good stuff happening at most if not all churches. But we are fooling ourselves if we think that it is all just pristine and blessed by God. Some of it is just downright awful.

Churches are run like businesses. And in some respects, they have to be in order to survive. When a church has debt and paid staff and programs, they have to be funded. So there has to be some degree of everone falling in line, thinking in the same way, “doing and thinking about God” in the same way. If that doesn’t happen, no money. No money. No traditional church. And if we are not careful, just joining in to the collective mind can land us smack in the middle of bondage.

I suggest that in many such systems, there is an underlying message that is influenced by the needs the church has to stay afloat. For example, at a church I once attended, the pastor from the platform in front of the church stated that we should let God tell us to add an extra zero to our offerings. Well, I put my pen away and took away both the zeros and all the other digits. A small example of that which I speak but definitely an example.

As I began to have questions about God, faith, theology, doctrine, I realized that in the above scenario, I was never going to get an answer to an honest question that wasn’t influenced by the church as an institution. I wasn’t likely going to get an answer that went against what was needed for the institution to survive and for the masses to stay in line. So I bailed. I jumped off the likemindedness train and went out in search of answers. I took the red pill.

I think the take home is to be on your guard. A “splinter in your mind” may actually need to be taken seriously and not ignored. Just because someone with power claims that God is doing something or that God said something, this does not make it so. Don’t live in the bondage of a “prison for your mind.” Think for yourself. Ask difficult questions. Don’t fear your doubts.

We Are Off! (Almost)

My wonderfully hot wife and I leave for a week in the Caribbean in 3 hours. Celebrating our 16th wedded year together, 19 years total. Our first really big trip. Too excited to sleep. Will catch up with all of your comments when I get back. RAWK! Hope Luke doesn’t mind me stealing his word now and then.

The Matrix Revolutions – Truth Part 1

I have heard people say that they were disappointed by the 3rd movie. Well I did not experience that. I found my interest increasing through the entire series and did not feel unresolved at the end. I loved the whole thing and plan to watch all 3 several times. It really needs to be taken as a whole. The individual pieces do not mean as much when considered separately although they each have plenty in them to stimulate discussion.

So I want to discuss the fight scene near the end of the piece between Neo and Agent Smith. The entire scene is really rather surreal. The rain. The dark. The intensity of it all. At one point near the end of the confrontation, it appears that Agent Smith has gotten the upper hand. The exchange goes like this: 

Agent Smith: Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you’re fighting for something? For more that your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can’t win. It’s pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?
Neo: Because I choose to.

Or if you prefer to watch it, this:

Well there is so much in this I could probably write a book. But I want to deal most specifically with the idea of truth that Agent Smith suggests to maybe be that thing for which Neo is fighting. I think that truth is the very foundation on which Neo is fighting. Of course, if you know the story, on the surface he is fighting for love. But that love is founded in truth.

Neo existst in two worlds. The false “vagaries of perception” which is the Matrix is one. This is where the majority of humanity is living, content with just jumping through the hoops, not even realizing that what they see and believe to be truth is a lie. But Neo has been enlightened. The scales have been removed from his eyes. He mainly exists in the hard core reality, only entering the second world of The Matrix when necessary to serve the purposes for which he and his comrades are fighting.

Neo knows the truth because he was willing to challenge the mainstream. He was willing, way back at the beginning of the story, to question the Koolaid that everyone else was drinking. He was willing to do the work. He was willing to confront the lie. He was willing to take the risk. His pursuit of truth was not met with favor by most. His pursuit ticked a lot of people off and his enemies increased. But his trek for truth also led him, contrary to the words of Agent Smith, to that greatest of human emotions and experiences. Love. And when you’ve gotten to love, my friend, I believe you’ve gotten to God.

I will follow this up with a part 2 post on what was the nature of the truth which Neo sought. Sometimes it was empiric. But sometimes it was in his gut. Sometimes, truth was something he had to choose to believe in without a lot of empiric support.