Fear-Based Faith…

I’ve been reading The Unlikely Disciple, a book by Kevin Roose who was a student at Brown University but switched to Liberty University for a semester to experience it and then write a book about it. It’s a fascinating book, and thus far I think nails the Christian Evangelical culture down pretty solid, not in an abusive or destructive sense, but in a sense of having a very accurate assessment of what I, someone who has grown up in the thick of it, know it’s problems to be. I will probably post some more on it as I get through it.

This topic of fear of God has been prevalent in my last two posts as a motivator of my faith for much of my life. There is a quote from The Unlikely Disciple that does a very good job of exposing that culture of fear-based faith the dominates the Christian landscape. Roose quotes Jerry Falwell on page 48. This is a statement that Falwell made on September 13, 2001 while appearing on The 700 Club:

“The abortionists have got to bear some burden for [the attacks], because God will not be mocked…And when we destroy forty million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way–all of themwho have tried to secularize America–I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped this happen.’”

How’s that for evangelism and faith based on fear? It is no wonder to me why I got this message and now am having to fight it back when so-called Christian leaders make these kind of statements. No wonder at all.

Where I’m At…

I thought after my last post, I ought to follow it up so that the people who commented and follow along a bit will know where I have landed. July seemed a bit like hell on earth for my little family. I described it to a friend as something akin being thrown into a wood chipper. Didn’t see it coming. Didn’t expect it. But it happened. And now I’m here on the other side feeling like some of the baggage I was dragging around wouldn’t fit through the chipper so I find myself rid of it and feeling like I have a bit of a solid footing from which to catch the next wave (man do I love being out in the waves of the ocean with a surfboard).

So I’ll try to be brief. First off, I think I have gotten past the God question. It really comes down to a basic question that is more philosophical in nature than it is scientific. How did this world get here? There are only two real possibilities. It’s either by chance or it’s not. If it is by chance, then there is no reason to believe in a God. If it is not by chance, and by extension therefore purposeful, then there is great reason to believe in a God/Creator/Format/Etc. Some may inject a third possiblity here, that we were placed here by aliens of some sort, but that really just moves the location of the question because then one asks how the aliens came about. So without laying out a buch of detail as to why right now (I’ll do a bit of that further down), suffice it to say that it seems much more likely that we were created. And that is the point of faith. We all have to choose one direction on this question, and it takes faith to believe in your choice. There is not sufficient proof on either side to rule out the possibility of the other. And that is faith no matter how you look at it. I feel very comfortable with that.

I feel more comfortable believing in our purposeful existence for a handful of reasons, but soon after I came to a comfortable place at this point, I began reading a book called Chi Running in order to work on my running efficiency for my triathlon obsession/passion/dysfunction. Of course, there are introductory words about Tai Chi as a practice, what’s behind it, the history, the theories, the philosophies, and I find it fascinating, so much so that I believe this book will be significantly helpful to me across the breadth of my life actually, not just in running. Principles like centering one’s self really speak to me, especially after coming through the chipper, as I feel like prior to this experience, I was lost with all sorts of centers, none of which were receiving adequate attention. This side of it, I feel lean, and centered.

One of the principles I read about is that involving fundamental truths, universal laws, those things which have universal application at a deep, deep level across the board for the world and humanity. Call it a “format.” My friend John (TitForTat) bases his belief in a God on this format idea, and I think I am not far behind. There are things of this nature all over the place. The Chinese study of movement in Tai Chi. Newton and Einstein’s study of physics. Simple observations in nature such as palm trees not growing well in Kansas and polar bears not doing well in Arizona. When we go along with the order of nature and the universe, when we understand what these deep truths are and move with them instead of against them, we are centered and life goes much better for us as individuals and as a community. All of this order is unlikely to have come about by itself, and to me strongly points to the divine.

But I want to take it a bit of a step further. Danny Dreyer, the author of Chi Running, quotes Cecil B. DeMille on page 31:

“It is impossible for us to break the law ourselves. We can only break ourselves against the law.”

I’m not exactly certain what the circumstances of that statement were. And I think I may have even heard it or read it prior to this book. But I am understanding it in a different way today. Dreyer is using it, of course, to say that when we go against these fundamental truths, we are setting ourselves up against the way that it is best to live. Disharmony. We are making it difficult for ourselves and setting ourselves up for pain and injury and distress.

So the thought came to me that what if we looked at the bible this way in a certain sense. I have always looked at it as a book of rules, hoops to jump through, mistakes not to make. And that has had me looking at God as a cosmic law enforcer practically looking for reasons to strike me down. No wonder I have found myself trying to get out from under that sort of pressure by doubting God’s existence. But what if we look at the bible as the creator of the universe, the dude who knows all the fundamental truths, telling us the way it works best? What if it is God saying, “Hey, I made all this. I know how it works best. I know how to best be in harmony with it. And here it is.” I think maybe this is a much healthier and more centering way to view scripture.

The Cycle Goes Round Again…

I’ve written before, a couple times actually I think if you look all the way back, about the same thing that haunts me now. God. Is he real? Does he exist? Does it matter if he does or doesn’t? Does it matter what I think of it all? Why do I repeatedly find myself here? I’m going to again lay out my honest thoughts. Thoughts that feel close to as deep as I can go within myself. Why do I doubt?

I’m tired of being scared of hell. I’m tired of feeling like God, if there is one, is pissed off because I am some ugly sinful worm. I’m tired of feeling like this pissed off God is going to send me to hell if I don’t jump through a series of hoops (some sort of ”sinner’s prayer,” baptism, communion, some “second work of grace,” tithing, some sort of ministry, some special amount of prayer/reading/devotional time) to prove my devotion to him. Does God really need that? An all powerful God demanding that I do all of these things that seem like trinkets? Really? If God really is about love, why would he need that? If he is all powerful, why does he need that?

But then I wonder, is God really about love? I find that probably mostly, I am not sure. We have this human convention of the trinity as a description of how we look at God. How God is. Three in one. All equally God yet separate. That word, ”trinity,” is not in the bible, but we sure hang a great deal of our theologies on it. Well, God the Father part of that looks a lot like an angry bully who would be fine with sending my butt to hell. Sure he has a softer side that is kind and loving. But that just makes him seem bipolar. I don’t know that it is helpful, to be honest, to see that he has a softer side. Because then you don’t know which side you’re gonna get, that is, I guess, unless you jump through the proper hoops.

On the counter side of this God the Father image we have a different image of Christ, the second part of this trinity. He is loving. He is sacrificial. He exudes grace. He accepts. A much better side of God I think we would all say. And I see and hear a great deal of thoughts and words that say in essence that Jesus is the lens with which we are supposed to view God. Well, who says? It is a nice idea to be sure. But is it correct? Where does it say in scripture that humanity is supposed to do this? And is that just sticking our heads in the sand? I mean, if God is there, he is who he is no matter what lens we decide to use. Using a lens to see God differently, to ignore the angry part,  just distorts the truth? If there is an angry, jealous, vengeful side of God that will send me to hell, what good is it to blind myself to that by looking at Jesus? God is still who he is. If he is there.

Another sticking point for me is the fact that this all could be just humanity fooling itself. Our phyche’s, our emotion, our minds, can do some crazy and amazing things. It is certainly reasonably possible that it is all in our heads. That God is all in our heads. That Jesus is no different than Zeus. That the bible is no different than any other scriptural book. That the “warmth” of which Wesley spoke is nothing more than psychology. Emotion. Neurons doing what they do. I don’t see that it can be proven that it is not this. So what does one believe? How do you know? I’m just not sure right now.

A final sticking point is how screwed up we are as humans. The culture of the church teaches Christian perfection. I’ve been on call this week, and I again realize, as I do over and over again, how we are all screwed up in our own way, so much so that the idea that there even is anything called perfection seems ridiculous. We all hurt in ways of which we are not even aware. We all have protection mechanisms of which we are not even aware. We all have systems of thought that influence everything we do, think, and say, and we are not even aware of them. With that in mind, the idea that there could even be a series of hoops that we could all jump through properly in order to be acceptable to God is just ridiculous. And if that’s true, then it seems to me, if the story of Jesus is true, that God either set out to save everybody, regardless of the hoops, or we are all going to hell. Considering the state of humanity, it seems that it has to be an all or none proposition. The way I have been taught to read scripture and the doctrines of the church and the cultures of the church though go against that. That confuses me. What seems most correct to me is that we are fooling ourselves if we think that some of us are doing good enough and some of us aren’t. We are all screwed up.

I don’t know why I find myself here over and over again. If I am deeply honest with myself, it feels like I have been carrying around this God thing, hoping that it is true, really trying to believe that it is true, trying to find a way for it to be true, but if I am honest, that seems like all it is. Hope that it is true. And I am not certain that any of my hoping and searching and thinking and wondering and praying has really gotten me anywhere different. How can I know? Why are some people so sure?

But why do I hope? And what does it mean that I hope? I’m pretty sure that I am stuck here, at this point, without an understanding of how to get past it. I know this probabaly comes across as angry and cynical, but I don’t mean it that way. It’s honest. It’s what is deep inside, at my core. I apologize to anyone who reads this and finds their faith shaken. That is not my intent. These are honest questions for which I am in search of honest answers. That’s all.

If it is the case that I am saying things you find to be heretical, destructive, unhelpful, please ignore me and forget the address to this blog. I don’t want to do any damage.

Feeling Quiet

Not sure why. Haven’t fealt really very “bloggish” for the last couple weeks. Maybe I need a bit of a rest from it. Haven’t really been reading as intently as I usually do either. My soul just feels a bit quiet, like it’s resting. And I’m good with that. I have been still slowly working my way through The Sacredness of Questioning Everything by David Dark so I’ll share another interesting quote here briefly from page 114:

“…The many want the Jesus Christ whose name is a secret password into eternal bliss. The few will allow Jesus’ gospel to actually infect the way they think about, talk about, and regard other people. The few will grapple…with Jesus’ always provocative good news broadcast.

If we do grapple with it, our sense of the newsworthy and of who we need to be listening to will be subverted and overturned. We will begin to sense a sanctifying presence in new places. We’ll dream new dreams about ourselves. The remarkable and the holy will show up unexpectedly. Our sense of the world will become one where no human life is unsacred or uninteresting, and there are no nobodies. Every stranger has a story.”

Bondage A Bit Further

Sorry to have disappeared off the face of the earth for 10 days or so. I left town to compete in my race (Kansas Ironman 70.3 with race report here) and then embarked on an amusement park trip with my family to Worlds of Fun in Kansas City and then Disneyland and Laguna Beach. Got back last night. We were supposed to go to Silver Dollar City in Branson, MO, today but Jack developed an ear infection so we decided to delay that part. I’m a bit motion sick after 4 plane rides and 3,000,000 roller coasters so am glad to put that part on hold. But I failed to get a notice up before I left town as I intended. So now I’m back and ready to get going again.

I started a book on the plane called The Sacredness of Questioning Everything by David Dark. Just saw it on Amazon as I was looking around one day. It had good reviews so I decided to try it. And it’s good. Real good. Maybe as good as Crazy For God. It rings home with nearly all of the things I have been going through over the last 2-3 years. Very affirming.

My last post on bondage struck a chord with a few so I wanted to go a bit deeper. When I refer to the church and systematic theology as bondage, I am referring to the ideology that develops with everyone becoming strictly like-minded. That can be very destructive, and it is one of the bad things about the church as a whole. Dark captures that in a bit of a different light on page 22-23:

“…Religion is born out of questions, not answers. Only a twisted, unimaginative mind-set resists awe in favor of self-satisfied certainty.

We often call such a mind-set ‘fundamentalist,’ but we might simply call it ‘bad religion.’ And for the sake of humility – a characteristic crucial to sacred questioning – we might do well to confess that we’re capable at any moment of such bad religion ourselves. We’re capable of reducing other people to a cartoon character or caricature. We tend to be unwilling to treat what we perceive to be the opposition in a proper manner. Instead of dealing with others with a sense of graciousness and fair-mindedness, we devalue them in the very ways we fear they devalue us.

More humility might characterize our talk of God if we believe that the whole truth can never be entirely ours and that our attempts to nail God down are always well-intentioned human constructs at best and idols at worst. We might become more self-aware and pay closer attention to how our ideas about God affect the way we treat other people. We might commit ourselves to asking and receiving questions. Living in this way, anyone – even someone sporting an offensive bumper sticker – might be a bearer of the wisdom we need and a speaker of a word from [God]. Perhaps we should occasionally place our hands together like Buddhists and bow to them. Or, as a Celtic prayer has it, we might sense the spirit of Christ in the heart of the one we speak to and the one we listen to.

When we don’t speak agreeable to someone with whom we disagree and don’t know how to ask questions because we think we already posses most answers, we’re practicing bad religion. We aren’t curious or kind (save to our fellow believers) and we can’t be made to question, even for a moment, our fear-hardened beliefs. As best-selling atheist Christopher Hitchens put it, we’re breathing in the religion that poisons everything.”

This nearly exactly describes the situation to which I awoke and found myself in the middle of. The answers I was getting to honest questions were “you need more faith,” “you just have to trust more,” “you aren’t close enough to God,” “you aren’t giving enough of yourself.” These may be well intentioned, but they are not remotely helpful and are more about shutting me up and keeping the peace and keeping me in line than they are about giving honest answers to honest questions.

So what do you think about this quote from Dark? It’s a great book. I’m only a few chapters into it. And I promise you I can find a way to tie it to The Matrix.

Vacation Photos

I added a new page for photos and have posted some from our recent trip to the Dominican Republic. I’ll post more as the year goes along.

Please don’t forget about my “Bondage” post as this one now covers it. More comments are welcome there.

The Matrix Revolutions – Truth Part 2

In case you were waiting for part 2, I have put it over on my triathlon blog as it is most pertinent there. Please don’t give up my previous post,The Matrix – Bondage, just because I have another thing stacked on it now as it has only been out there for a day. I would like a lot more comments of what I have to say there. Fill that comment section up.

The Matrix – Bondage

I went on a run with a good friend today. We used to train together when he lived in Kansas. He now lives in Arizona, but we get in a bit of training when he and his family are back visiting family. Our runs and rides were filled with conversation that covered the entire landscape from family to faith. I miss these training talks and cherish the few times a year that we are able to engage each other in this way.

Our conversation today wandered over to bondage. The bondage in which we find ourselves without realizing we are there. The bondage that, once we are aware of it, either has to be broken apart or submitted to. Watch the clip and then continue on with me. Sorry for the captions. It was the best visually that I could find.

We talked about the bondage that comes about from institutional church. Now hear me out. I am not claiming that institutional church is all bad. There is good stuff happening at most if not all churches. But we are fooling ourselves if we think that it is all just pristine and blessed by God. Some of it is just downright awful.

Churches are run like businesses. And in some respects, they have to be in order to survive. When a church has debt and paid staff and programs, they have to be funded. So there has to be some degree of everone falling in line, thinking in the same way, “doing and thinking about God” in the same way. If that doesn’t happen, no money. No money. No traditional church. And if we are not careful, just joining in to the collective mind can land us smack in the middle of bondage.

I suggest that in many such systems, there is an underlying message that is influenced by the needs the church has to stay afloat. For example, at a church I once attended, the pastor from the platform in front of the church stated that we should let God tell us to add an extra zero to our offerings. Well, I put my pen away and took away both the zeros and all the other digits. A small example of that which I speak but definitely an example.

As I began to have questions about God, faith, theology, doctrine, I realized that in the above scenario, I was never going to get an answer to an honest question that wasn’t influenced by the church as an institution. I wasn’t likely going to get an answer that went against what was needed for the institution to survive and for the masses to stay in line. So I bailed. I jumped off the likemindedness train and went out in search of answers. I took the red pill.

I think the take home is to be on your guard. A “splinter in your mind” may actually need to be taken seriously and not ignored. Just because someone with power claims that God is doing something or that God said something, this does not make it so. Don’t live in the bondage of a “prison for your mind.” Think for yourself. Ask difficult questions. Don’t fear your doubts.

What Has To Be Earned?

Back from an awesome trip to the Dominican Republic. It is the first vacation that I remember coming back from feeling rested. Usually, it is a “hair on fire” endeavor to cram as much into a trip as possible: more surfing, more Space Mountain, more National Parks, more golf, more 14ers, more, more, more. But this was just me and Karmen (and for the rest of The Canon, John and Denise too). We layed by the pool. We got in the pool. We laid on the beach. We got in the ocean. We walked on the beach and shared a Cuban cigar. We talked with new friends. We watched the lovely Dominican people have fun with their dancing and their shows. We danced some ourselves. We slept. We golfed. It was just awesome. And I will post some pictures for you to enjoy. But today I want to ask some questions that came to me towards the end of our trip.

I have learned something about myself in a new way. For some reason, I, emotionally, am crippled. Somewhere early in my life, I learned to turn off most of my emotions. Why I did this, I have not ever been really certain. I believe one of the things I read from Dr. Phil McGraw one time: “People do what works.” So somehow, eliminating emotion worked for me. I think I am beginning to understand why.

It has to do with the reason why I have done much of what I do. I am trying to earn something. I am trying to earn approval. And the only way I have known that I am OK is when I am told by others that I am doing or have done a good job. And you know what gets in the way of doing that? Emotion. In our culture, no one will compliment me because I am a man who feels. But everyone will compliment me because I am a man who works hard.

I remember the first time I understood this. Seventh grade. Before then, I was a slighty better than mediocre student. But in seventh grade, Mrs. Thompson highly complimented me for my efforts. I learned that if I worked hard and got A’s, all sorts of people approved of me. I liked it. So I got one B from 7th-12th. And I decided to take on one of the hardest tasks out there, becoming a medical doctor.

That same year, I had a basketball coach who really spoke of the value of working hard at basketball. How it made you better. How it made you great. How it was honorable. I quickly found that all sorts of people also approved of me for working as hard as I could at basketball. So I worked and worked. I made the starting five on my ninth grade tryout at an all boys school where 200 boys showed up for the tryout. I remember running a specific extra sprint during the tryout and the coaches telling all the rest of the boys that they wanted that kind of effort out of everyone. So I lettered 3 years in high school and got a scholarship to play in college where I beat out the entire rest of the team, seniors and all, for the Mr. Hustle award during my freshman season.

I remember about this same time riding in the car on the way to church with my family. We were on Reservoir Road in Little Rock, AR. I was a bit of a worrier up to this point in my life about stuff like my appearance, my weight, blah, blah, blah. And I was realizing that worrying was going to get in the way of my new work ethic. So right then, I remember the moment very clearly, I decided that I was not going to worry about anything. I turned it off. And for the most part, I haven’t since that very moment worried about much for very long at all. My parents, if they read this, may be surprised to discover these things about me. I didn’t talk about them. I didn’t talk about much. I kept my feelings to myself. I kept my thoughts to myself. And honestly, sometimes I remember being praised by any number of individuals even for that. I had no problems, or appeared to have none at least.

Those three things had a tremendous impact on shaping who I have become. Who I am is a dude who knows how to work awfully hard, who knows how to put out tremendous effort, who knows how to out-effort the next guy, who knows how to endure (Luckily, by complete chance most likely, I have also learned how to rest and not work myself into the ground. I work hard when I work. But I understand the value of rest. In fact I would even say that I feel like I have to earn rest. If I haven’t worked, I don’t deserve rest. I don’t think I’m a “classic” work-a-holic. I’m an effort-a-holic.). Earning approval through effort was reinforced over and over and over and over and it still is. And emotion gets in the way of effort so I have shut it off. So I find myself as a man who knows how to work hard and even loves to do it at times but who is a bit hollow because there is not much emotion along with it.

Karmen asked me just the other night as we were talking about this what it would be like to do all the things that I do (triathlon, compete, climb, train, surf, golf, martial arts, etc) because I loved to do it rather than because I was trying to earn approval? I burst into tears. Wow. What would that be like? It might be amazing! It seems like it would be peaceful. I want that.

So now some of the questions: How has this thing I have outlined above shaped my view of God? How has this thing I have outlined above affected my relationship with Karmen? How has this thing that I have outlined above affected my relationship with Jack and Jace? How has this thing that I have outlined above affected my relationship with friends? How has this thing above affected the things that I truly love to do like triathlon?

Some of the possible answers: Emotion mostly comes out of me when it does as frustration or anger. I don’t have many friends and maybe just one really good one. I push Jack and Jace too hard. I push Karmen too hard. People often tell me I look mad or that my words and my facial expressions do not match.

I apologize for kind of getting less organized and philosophical and more wandering and personal with this post. But this is what is inside of me right now, and I needed to get it out. Probably a sign that I am moving in the right direction on this thing.

We Are Off! (Almost)

My wonderfully hot wife and I leave for a week in the Caribbean in 3 hours. Celebrating our 16th wedded year together, 19 years total. Our first really big trip. Too excited to sleep. Will catch up with all of your comments when I get back. RAWK! Hope Luke doesn’t mind me stealing his word now and then.