I don’t know that I have been using my blog properly. Most of the time I am trying to put something down with the idea that it needs to be inspirational, and I don’t think that is the best way for me to approach it. Here’s why.
Looking back on my life I can see that I have been conditioned to keep things inside of me. My family moved around quite a bit because of my dad’s profession as a clergyman. And I don’t regret that at a ll. In fact I would say that I have mostly liked it. It has taught me a lot of good stuff like how to be resilient, how to work hard, how to start over, how to wander (and I do love wandering), how to have inner strength, how to persevere through hardship, etc. But I think there are some other things I learned that make life difficult for me sometimes.
You would think that I learned how to make friends easily since I moved to 8 different schools from kindergarten to college, 10 if you count grad school and med school. And I did make friends at all those places. But I think that I learned mostly not to get too close to those friends because I would soon be leaving them. And because I did not get too close to anyone I kept most things, most of those important things, inside of me. So I didn’t learn how to share any real part of me with another person. And now I find that I think I still have trouble getting those important things outside of me. I don’t even think I have been able to get some of those important things outside of me to share with my wife. I just hold it all inside. And that, I feel, is finally beginning to make me lonely. So I think that instead of holding it inside, I need to use my blog as a way to get it out. To say what I am thinking. To say what I am feeling. To let other people see inside of me. To try and be real. And maybe that is not inspirational most of the time.
I am working a schedule and a job right now that is very demanding for me. It feels like I have to constantly attack it with a club and beat it back to keep it from devouring me. I actually have come to realize after Paul’s words last Saturday that it is a desert experience for me, if you will allow me to make an analogy to Christ’s 40 days in the desert. But Paul presented us with the idea that instead of Christ being weakened and strung out at the end of that trial and barely able to battle Satan (the picture I had always had in my mind that Papa- read The Shack to understand my using that word- had really depleted him before his battle with Satan just to make it extra difficult) that the desert days were exaclty what he needed to perpare him to be strong for the battle that lie ahead. That is an amazing way to think about it. I felt like a light bulb popped on in my head.
There have been a few times in the last year that I feel God has almost audibly spoken to me, and last Saturday night was one of them (see I haven’t even shared that fact with Karmen yet, holding it inside). My current circumstances, which seem so overbearing to me, are preparing me for what lies ahead, for what I am doing in April. That dovetails so nicely with another “God moment” I had about a year ago when I was trying to decide if this path was God’s leading or not. That moment led to this job at this time (see my last post on pairs) to have the time to prepare for April. I have called it my Ironman job. And now the desert that I find myself in the middle of I see as part of that training. It is helping me be mentally and emotionally tough, things I am really going to need at about 2 PM on April 13. But it doesn’t end for me there.
I have hope too. I can see the edge of the desert. This Ironman job and this desert before the battle will be ending. Wrapped up in all of this is God working in another way to give me perspective into what I really love to do in my field, and that is teach. I was in full time teaching for 5 years and doubted if I could do it for a career. Now I know that I love it and have a new eagerness for doing it. And I will be going back to it on July 1.
So I think that is all real. It is at least as real as I know how to be right now. And I am going to start blogging what I am thinking and feeling. Which probably means that I will posting a lot more than I have in the last couple of months. Thanks for taking the time to read.