Black Days

Strange day today is. I’m not sure what to make of it. For some reason, I want what I believe about the world, what I believe about God, to be solid. I don’t want to hang on to a bunch of fluff. As my friend, Josh, from decon said recently, it needs to be true. I want to think rightly. I want to believe rightly. I don’t want to be hanging on to things just because they are tradition or just because so and so said it or because I am fearful. I want to be solid.

Maybe that is asking too much. Maybe I’m searching too aggresively. Maybe that is impossible. Maybe I have just gotten myself confused. I don’t know, but today I have a profound, almost agonizing sense of loss. A sense of loss like I have never felt or known. It has waxed and waned throughout the day, and I am not at all sure why it is there or what it means.

It started this morning. I was asked essentially how I know Christianity to be true. My answer. I don’t. I don’t know along side any other religion or system of thought why it is more true than them. My Christian friends will say that no other faith preaches redemption by faith. But that doesn’t really prove realness or truth. I have Jewish friends who passionately feel that they do not need Christ. And they are good people. What is redemption going to do for them? I have atheist friends who likewise are good people. They are moral and compassionate and at peace with themselves and their lives. What does redemption mean to them? I have deist friends who likewise are very good people, at peace with themselves and the world. What does redemption offer them? None of these people need Christianity to have good, peaceful, happy, moral, rich lives. And in many cases they have been Christians and found it lacking. It doesn’t take Christianity for people to love and for people to be in community and for people to be moral and for people to forgive. In fact, since the same problems exist within Christianity that exist within the rest of the world, it doesn’t seem like Christianity is a solution for any of that. We may all look cleaner, but we aren’t, and that facade may even make the problems within Christianity worse.

Is all that Christianity offers a path out of hell? Is that all it is reduced to in the end? Is that the only difference? Is that all it accomplishes? If so all the talk about us loving God and God loving us seems like a big charade. In the end we are just beating ourselves about to save our own skin.

I don’t know why this came on me today so suddenly. I’ve actually been feeling pretty solid working through my beliefs and what I belief. In fact, I’ve been enjoying it to a large extent. Maybe I’m afraid of something, losing something. I don’t know.

It’s odd that I heard a song on Saturday that I had forgotten for quite some time. My ingenious little iPhone with the Pandora internet radio app played it for me. It is appropriate for today. Soundgarden. “Fell On Black Days.”

Whatsoever I’ve feared has come to life
Whatsoever I’ve fought off became my life
Just when everyday seemed to greet me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
And now I’m doing time
Cause I fell on black days

Whomsoever I’ve cured I’ve sickened now
Whomsoever I’ve cradled I’ve put you down
I’m a search light soul they say
But I can’t see it in the night
I’m only faking when I get it right
Cause I fell on black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate

So what you wanted to see good has made you blind
And what you wanted to be yours has made it mine
So don’t you lock up something that you wanted to see fly
Hands are for shaking
No, not tying
No, not tying

I sure don’t mind a change
But I fell on black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate

I’m not sure where to go from here. This is a new place for me.


Advertisements

6 responses to “Black Days

  1. Doug

    I feel your pain, but as is my nature Im an optimist. So I have another song for you.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKSXHC6IA3s

    Hit’em boys!
    Well I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again
    You get nothing for nothing: expect it when
    You’re backseat driving, and your hands ain’t on the wheel
    It’s easy to go along with the crowd,
    And find later on that your say ain’t allowed
    Oh that’s the way to find what you’ve been missing

    So I’m heading out to the highway
    I got nothing to lose at all
    I’m gonna do it my way
    Take a chance before I fall
    A chance before I fall!

    You can hang in a left or hang in a right
    The choice it is yours to do as you might
    The road is open wide to place your bidding
    Now, wherever you turn, wherever you go
    If you get it wrong, at least you can know
    There’s miles and miles to put it back together!

    And I’m heading out to the highway
    I got nothing to lose at all
    I’m gonna do it my way
    Take a chance before I fall
    A chance before I fall!
    On the highway! On the highway!

    Making a curve or taking the strain
    On the decline, or out on the wain
    Oh everybody breaks down sooner or later
    We’ll put it to rights, we’ll square up and mend.
    Back on your feet to take the next bend!
    You weather every storm that’s coming atcha!

    And I’m heading out to the highway
    I got nothin’ to lose at all
    I’m gonna do it my way
    Take a chance before I fall
    Yes, I’m heading out to the highway,
    I got nothing to lose at all.
    I got nothing to lose at all!

  2. great song reference! that’s one of my fave songs Soundgarden ever put out.

    there is a saying that those who say they don’t know are closer to the truth than those who say they have it. but i ain’t scared to brave a new path and i believe in another dimension and the ability for Christians to rise up and do the right thing:

    not only Christians, but all people… i think Jesus best put out a life to lead.. not because he DIED for others.. anyone can do that, hell, even Nazi’s died for their fellow Nazi’s.. that’s no big deal. but to live for others, to LIVE for OTHERS the way Jesus did, to reach out beyond social stigmas, beyond barriers, and enter into a radical sense of community of ALL and no OTHERS in it.. that is a life worth following.

    that’s just my two cents.. hope that helps.

  3. Love the writing and love the song – encapsualtes a lot of what is being said – fell on blacker days – you and me both.

    The way I see faith is all about it’s real world application – and if there is none – then that faith is without an inch of substance and needs to be abandoned. I am feel good for some atheists that have left – if that faith harmed you more than it helped you – why keep being unhealthy?

    But faith is about the things not quite known – it’s not something we can see. I have faith in people also – faith is at the core of every human being (our ability and need to trust and share). I think faith in God needs real life application or what – we pray to someone in the sky we never know exists? What’s the benefit of that exactly? If God is real – then we might see it in the creation within others and that’s where we need to focus.

    I am like you in this regard – I pray very little – I doubt a lot – I am angry sometimes with God – I see this faith has so much uselessness in it – except I won’t leave it. The only thing that keeps me close to God is the ideas within those teachings and how they look in real life scenario’s.

    I forgive because I have learned what it means and looks like – for me and for others. I love because I see the greatness in it – for me and for others. I share in pain and joy with people – because it benefits us all. I am responsible for all my actions – that’s also going to benefit us all. Those teachings are now part of me and my existence – sure I can leave church and all the other ‘show’ behind – that’s easy – it’s a little harder to forget the benefits of what I have read and enacted into my life.

    Why? Because what is taught can be good to great. All the shackles need to fall off and we need to strip away the layers of christianty as we currently know/see it – there is way more to it than is being let on. I hate to say it – but you want to find the best in faith – challenge it and test it – what it looks likes and feels like. Become a human ‘being’ and not much more – empty yourself to the point where you forget all the stories of the bible and read them anew. Is that possible? Yes…

    I have been through some very rough sh*t as of late and things are getting better – but faith was challenged and questioned for me all along the way also…but what it meant to the way I live my life in the present tense never left. Something about the way I enacted and elaborated on the teachings really have provided a foundation (a paradigm) that I can fall back on – even in my most broken state.

  4. Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel:

    The strength of truth lies not in refuting others but in understanding itself, in being consistent with itself.

  5. John. Probably these lines are the best for me: “If you get it wrong, at least you can know, There’s miles and miles to put it back together!” Sometimes, in the past more so than now, I end up feeling like I have to get it all together now. I think I learned that at church. When you spend all your teenage days wondering if each little slip is considered a sin and that if you happened to die suddenly you might go to hell in a second, you end up like that. Thanks for reminding me that I don’t have to have it all figured out right now.

    Luke. “not because he DIED for others.. anyone can do that, hell, even Nazi’s died for their fellow Nazi’s.. that’s no big deal. but to live for others, to LIVE for OTHERS the way Jesus did, to reach out beyond social stigmas, beyond barriers, and enter into a radical sense of community of ALL and no OTHERS in it.. that is a life worth following.” I have never thought of Christ’s life in this way. The dying and the sin and the redemption always is so heavily focused on that the other parts get pushed to the side. Thanks for the new perspective. That really fits well with NT Wright’s and Rob Bell’s writings about God’s kingdom continually coming and me hoping on and JOINING with that instead of being focused on AVOIDING sin. It’s about doing instead of avoiding.

    Jason. “…strip away the layers of christianty…” This is good, and I feel it is exactly what I have been trying to do, put my beliefs in front of the firing line and separate out what holds true and what is fluff.

    Yael. That is an awesome quote and exactly for what I am searching. My truth needs to be consistent with itself. Thanks for the support.

  6. Doug

    Glad you liked it. These lyrics do it for me best.

    Making a curve or taking the strain
    On the decline, or out on the wane
    Oh everybody breaks down sooner or later
    We’ll put it to rights, we’ll square up and mend.
    Back on your feet to take the next bend!
    You weather every storm that’s coming atcha!

    You and Karmen will weather this storm and be a stronger and more loving unit for it. Kudos.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s