Value

Karmen has a link on her website to a talk recently given by the author of “The Shack.” I have read the book and found it very good especially as it relates to the value that God places on us, his creation. Slowly, I am coming to understand that he sees each and every one of us as a possession of ultimate value to him and that the primary thing he offers to us, with that in mind, is grace and mercy and relationship with him. I believe the work he did for us in Christ was primarily an act to show us how much he really does in fact love us. It reveals the depth and commitment of that love. It reveals our value to him.

I am not much for watching web clips, especially 73 minute long clips, but because of Karmen’s prodding (mostly gentle) I caved and listened to it. It was also very good, but I didn’t really understand how good until a discussion she and I had in the car yesterday while coming back from a long weekend at Table Rock Lake. I would like to log my thoughts here and again would like to point out that I am not trying to say something profound nearly so much as I am using my blog as my journal. Take from it what you wish.

In the presentation, Paul Young talks about his history, how he grew up and came to this point in life. In his story he mentions a history of sexual abuse as a child. The result of this experience, he said, left him without any boundaries, and so later in life when he encountered someone else without any boundaries, an affair that nearly destroyed his life was the result. I was confused as to why a person who experienced sexual abuse would have no boundaries. Logically, it seemed to me that a victim of sexual abuse would have all sorts of boundaries as a result of the experience in an effort to protect him or her self from future abuse rather than wide open or non-existent boundaries. But my discussions with Karmen in the car brought everything into focus.

We got into a discussion about the value of people and how not being valued as a child leads to dysfunction later in life. And as we talked, it became more clear to me how a victim of abuse, whether it be sexual or just plain neglect, could lose their boundaries. The reason is because those boundaries are just completely shattered by what happened to them. I think there is probably a continuum of abuse with sexual abuse being very near the extreme and then working through physical, psychological, emotional, verbal, and other forms of abuse and not necessarily in that order. Getting to the lesser extreme on the continuum of abuse I would think that one finds cases of neglect where a child is properly raised and tended to but gets the feeling that he or she is mostly a nuisance because of a lack of love. And I think that when any of these abuses are taking place in a child’s life, what that child ends up learning is that they are not valuable as a person, and that screws up your boundaries. In the case of sexual abuse, that individual is taught that they are only valuable for sex. Something which shouldn’t be true for anyone much less a child. But even in the case of neglect, where a child gets the idea that they are just extra baggage that has to be cared for, that child doesn’t learn that they have value to anyone around them.

Well this doesn’t work well because somewhere deep inside us we have an innate sense that we are supposed to be valuable to someone. So we start looking for it. Sexual abuse victims, with boundaries that have been completely shattered, can end up looking anywhere with anyone or anything. Neglect victims probably don’t reach the same level of dysfunction because some of their boundaries are left intact most of the time, but they certainly can as they too search for value. Both, and all in between, may struggle constantly with self-confidence and self-worth, addictions, depression, anxiety, etc,. all in a quest for value as a person. And of course the ultimate source of our value is not in things, money, power, or even each other. We crave knowing our value because God put it in us, and only he can ultimately satisfy it. But he has also instructed us to value each other.

I think this is where the greatest commandment statement begins. “Love me. Love others.” There you have it. We are instructed to value each other by none other than the one who made us. He knows we will end up dysfunctional without knowing that we have value, both to each other and to him. He tells us how to avoid it. Love each other. It is amazing the wisdom that is behind those verses. There is no call to judge, no call to punish, no call to set each other straight, no call to harshness, no call to toughness, no call to giving each other what we deserve, no call to exhort each other to just try harder. Just a call to love. And I now see so much more behind that simple call to love each other.

So now I am thinking about my job as a father. I think that it is probably one of the most important things I can do for my boys, to show them that they are valuable to me. To show them that they are worth the time and effort. To be willing to go out of my way for them. To anticipate their needs. I will bet that there are very few kids who are made to feel how valuable they are in the correct sense that end up with boundary issues and major dysfunctions in their adult lives. If there is a way to insulate your kids from destructive lives, maybe this is it.

So now I am also thinking about my job as a husband. I think that it is probably one of the most important things I can do for Karmen is to show her how valuable she is to me. To show her that she is worth the time. Worth the work. Worth the effort. Worth any struggle. To anticipate her needs. I will bet that there are very few unhealthy marriages where the spouses work to show each other in basic and in novel and in creative ways that they are valuable to each other in the correct sense. If there is a way to insulate my marriage from destruction, maybe this is it.

I decided to show my family their value in a different way last night. Jack sometimes has some downright ridiculous fears, especially at bedtime. This has happened long enough that it almost seems to be a manipulative tool on his part to try and delay bedtime. In my frustration probably most of my management of the issue has been in the form of “buck up.” And of course, we haven’t really seen any progress. But last night, I decided to show him how valuable he is to me. I stood there by his bed and stroked his head and his hair. I talked with him gently and calmly. After 20 min or so he said, “Daddy, I love you.” One time he asked me to rub his head a little harder. 20 min more and he was asleep. I don’t think I have ever watched one of my kids fall asleep. It misted my eyes to do it. I plan to do the same thing for Jace. And as I was doing this little thing to show Jack how valuable he was, it occurred to me that I was also showing Karmen how valuable she was. I was taking time to show them that they were worth my time, worth my effort. I was following God’s instruction to love others. I don’t see that he is excluding my boys and my wife from that.

I don’t feel like, after looking over what I have written, that it is as clear as I would like it to be. So let me summarize. We, as God’s creation, innately know that we have value, mainly to God but also to each other. Abuse, especially early in our lives, destroys and/or distorts boundaries and teaches us either that we have no value or that our value is misplaced. We spend much of our lives then searching to satisfy our thirst for value outside of healthy boundaries that have been warped or destroyed. This leads to pain, suffering, destruction, and more loss. Only God can show us our ultimate value, but he tells us that we should value each other. That life will go better for us if we value each other. As a husband and father probably one of my main endeavors should be to show my kids and my wife how valuable they are to me both to hopefully prevent life outside humanizing (I borrowed that descriptive word from NT Wright. More on that in another post.) boundaries and repair any life that has been lived in the dehumanizing zone outside of those boundaries.

Does any of that make any sense at all?

CoExist

I don’t know how many of you are U2 fans. Over the years, I have found myself liking them more and more and more. My interest is the highest it has ever been right now, this very minute. It has grown along as the band matured and as they have begun to stand for something significant and have begun to do things that are significant. The rock industry has typically been characterized as standing for sex, drugs, and alcohol. And with good reason. Many in the industry still stand for that (but there is not better rock sound than AC/DC. It’s OK to admit it. I will still love you.). But there is a large segment (Alter Bridge, 3 Doors Down, and even a little of Bon Jovi) that have realized there is more to it than that and have begun to show that in what they say and do. U2 is certainly at the forefront of that push.

I went to see the recent U23D movie with my pastor and a couple of really good friends. And the music was awesome. Not to mention the cinematography. I was lost in the experience. It was great. But you know what one of the greatest things was in my opinion. It was Bono’s headband. And it was the images and words that were on the screen behind the band as they rocked. “CoExist.” Awesome. It became a very controversial thing in days after the movie, mainly in Christian circles as I understand it. That is because Bono was basically giving equal voice to Christianity, Judaism, and Islam, and saying why can’t we just get along? Why can’t we find peaceful ways to remedy our differences? Why can’t we respect each other for our differences and learn from our differences instead of trying to tell each other where we are wrong and then try to convert each other? That, my friend, is an awesome message. It is a message the world needs to hear more often. And it is a message that I believe that Christ supports.

Jesus tells humanity in his Sermon on the Mount that the entire law, let me emphasize that again, the ENTIRE LAW, falls under two statements. Those statements are basically, “Love God,” and “Love people.” Period. No judging. No pointing out each others sin. No chastising. We are only to follow his example and just offer love, grace, mercy. I think we need to get to that as people, as Christians. And that is why I love, CoExist. Simple. To the point. Stating the greatest of God’s instruction and stating it to three of the world’s major religions. Incredible.

Also hidden in CoExist is personal responsibility. If we really are to love God and love others first and foremost, then that means taking care of the world in which we live. Too often, Christianity sees this world as an evil, temporary, broken place. And it is all of those things, except for temporary. God created this place and called it good. Sure, evil has corrupted it. But Jesus himself states that God’s Kingdom is already at hand, that it is already here, and that it continues to come. It continues to manifest more of itself right here and now. I’ve been reading a lot of NT Wright, Rob Bell, Brian McLaren over the last year. And I agree with those guys that heaven is not so much a place that God is going to wisk us off too if we jump through all the right hoops and find ourselves in the “in” group someday. I think God is bringing heaven to earth. I think that God will someday make this world right. I think that he will, as NT Wright puts it, bring the world to rights. His beauty and justice and original plan for this place will be finally realized. It will be made whole. If that is true, then how we live and work and tend to his creation is very important. CoExist says that too.

CoExist also says one final thing to me. It reminds me that I have no idea how God is working across this world. There are tons of good things happening amongst the muck and grime, and anywhere there is good happening, I believe God is there working. Whether that be in a person of Islamic faith, of Jewish faith, or of no faith. God is working throughout his creation right now to bring heaven and earth together and bring the world to rights, and my part in that is to love God and love people. In doing this I am joining him in his work. And I have no business excluding people or telling them how and where they are wrong. That is God’s business. He has a plan to take care of the evil in the world. And my part in that plan is to act like Christ, offering mercy and grace and love and acceptance. After all, the only people Christ had scorn and disgust for were the religious fundamentalist zealots who thought they were better than all the lawbreakers. For everyone else, Christ had time and mercy and compassion and love and grace. So that is my task in God’s work in the world. And CoExist says that to me.

I think I have created enough controversy for now. More to come later. All of your comments are very welcome, angry or peaceful.

“…the glory of God…”

Karmen and I have found ourselves in an interesting position. This week we were asked by a friend to participate in a Bible study that is taking place at various homes. Pretty common thing actually, Bible studies at homes that is. Not the us being invited part. In fact, I’m not really certain why we were invited, and that is mainly due to the make up of the group. There are six couples including us. We are one of the two youngest couples and all of the couples have kids that are older than ours even extending up into college age kids. But the interesting part is this. 4 of the couples currently go to our old church. 1 of the couples used to go to that church like us and left about the same time we did. So it is an interesting mix, and I am just a bit cautious as to why I have been invited to attend. But Karmen and I believe in stretching ourselves so we agreed to give it a try. And after the first week I am glad we did because I think I am going to learn something valuable, and based on the casual discussion and intentional discussion that took place this last week I think I may have something to offer to the group.

So what I want to share is not only what I learned or realized this week but how I came to realize it. As part of the study, we have daily homework. And I have to tell you that when I was sitting there with the group and particular words and particular things like “daily homework” were coming up, there was a little part of me that thought this was going to be the same old same old disingenuous hollow religious speak that I have heard so many times and been shamed with so many times. But I am in a different place than I once was. A place where I no longer feel obligated to have a relationship with God that is designed by others. My prayer for 8 years has been for God to help me relate to him as he desires rather than as other men tell me I should. So much of what goes on in church is people and leaders beating each other up with a God-shaped club, and I want no part of that any more. I want grace and peace and understanding. God has been answering that prayer.

So as I sat there wondering if the God-club was going to come out, things actually went in a direction that I did not expect. These other couples are searching just like we have been searching. I heard phrases like “…faith is stagnant,” “…faith is dry,” “I am a Christian but…” It was really amazing to hear this coming from these people. I did not expect it. Many of them are ones who I feel would beat me with the club. But they weren’t. And they seemed to be searching. It was actually awesome.

OK. Now for what I learned. I promise. I haven’t gotten to it yet. I mean I learned all this stuff above, but that really has nothing to do with the title of this post does it? Here I go. I actually learned something while doing the homework last night of all places. Weird. I don’t like Bible study homework. I seems like the same old same old, and here I am learning something from it. It really is me stretching myself and God meeting me there in that place to teach me. There is no other explanation.

The homework involved the phrase “…the glory of God…” In fact the first question was what comes to mind first when I hear that phrase. My answer: “Churchy religious speak.” I don’t like that phrase. It sounds archaic. It reminds me of the club. The next question was what does “the glory of God” have to do with me. My answer: “I don’t know.”

The “glory of God” is often talked about in Christian circles as the reason we exist. We exist to glorify God. To bring him glory. To worship him. And that is a problematic idea for me for 2 reasons. The first is this: If God needed to make me in order to have somebody worship him and bring him glory, then he seems like a weak spoiled brat selfish God to me. Come on. He is God. Does he really need a bunch of little humans paying homage to him? And I would say that this is really pretty much the idea I have always had in my head when this idea of “the glory of God” and why I exist comes up. But I think I have been wrong in the way I think about it, and this is the thing that I have learned that I wanted to share and which I will explain in bit. But let me get to reason number 2.

The idea that I exist for God’s glory cannot go along with a second churchy religious speak phrase that it also very prevalent in Christianity. That is the idea of my “worminess.” The club has come out time and time again to tell me how worthless I am. How sinful I am. How much of a worm I am. It is even in old hymns and new choruses. I am a worm. Well, you tell me how me as a horrible icky worm brings any glory to God. That is ridiculous to me. I cannot both be a worm and be a glorifier of God. If God was going to make something that brings him glory, it would not be a worm. And it would not be 6 billion + worms. I fully recognize that sin is destructive and alters what God made. But it doesn’t take something awesome and totally wreck it so that there is no worth at all. It does not make me a worm. It just makes me broken. And then the light popped on.

Karmen has been trying to get this idea across to me on several occasions. Even right before the light popped on in my head, she had just basically told me the same thing in her own words. And she has told me it before. And I understood what she was saying intellectually all those times. But for some reason it clicked for me last night.

God does not stand up there on his stage, sit up there on his perch, look over his creation from his watchtower and hold up his crossbow and demand, “Glorify me. Bring me glory. Worship me.” I have had the wrong image of that. God instead holds me up and shows me off and says, “Look what I made. Look how awesome he is. Look how awesome Doug is. I want you to see him because he is awesome, and I made him.” That is how I bring glory to God. Because he wants to show me off. I am a beautiful creature. Yeah I have a big old sin shaped scar across my chest, but God doesn’t care. I am still beautiful. God is not holding up a worm. He is holding up a prize.

And I have heard this very thing that I have said just now, all my life. But it always seemed to be hollow. It always seemed like it was said by people who didn’t truly believe it. It always seemed like it was said in a way that this is what we were supposed to believe but we really all know what is true. Everyone who said it always seemed to me to be on such a wire, barely holding onto it, and maybe not holding onto it. It was not said with boldness or sincerity. But probably mostly it was just me not hearing it and believing it and owning it like I did yesterday. I don’t know why it all of a sudden clicked for me. Yes I do. It is God answering my prayer.

“The Only One You’ve Got”

About a year ago, I finished my Breakthrough Training. Breakthrough is a personal and spiritual growth exercise. You may have heard me talk of it prior or read about it on this blog. Check the Dr. Paul link to the right if you want to discover more. I recently had the privilege of being up at the completion of the last group to go through. It was exactly one year to the day that I completed my training. It felt strange to be in the exact same place where I found myself one year, almost to the minute, ago. It was and continues to be life changing.

I learned a lot about myself during those weeks. One of the things I learned was how I had shut myself off from the world, God, relationships. In the last year I have struggled at times to keep those walls in their crumbled state. It took a lot of work to smash them open and felt very raw in the beginning. Somehow the work of building them back up comes easier and seems more comforting and familiar than the work of keeping them broken down. But I believe I have managed to keep at least some semblance of a gaping hole in one place or another. The trials I have experienced in recent months in some ways have pushed me back into my armor, but I am trying desperately to take it back off as soon as I notice it is on me again. It somehow doesn’t feel like it works to wield a sword of humility. Kind of a paradox it seems. Swords of domination and black and white and coldness seem like they ought to work better. But my contract with myself from Breakthrough says that I will be a man of courage, humility, adventure, and passion. And since it is tattooed on my right arm, I better live by it. It also is the subtitle up there at the top of my blog.

One of the things that I woke up to was the meaning behind music, in particular the words. I have always liked just good rock music. You know the stuff with really rocking guitars. Not acid stuff. Just good strong rock like VanHalen, Alter Bridge, ACDC, BonJovi, and a host of others. Well of course not all of their songs are all that virtuous. But in recent years there has been a lot more virtue coming into mainstream rock. Bands like Creed and Alter Bridge would be in that group. Another is 3 Doors Down. Well these guys have a new album out. And a new song on that album is called, “The Only One You’ve Got.” It could be the Breakthrough theme song. I’ll put the lyrics here for you.

How do you know where you’re goin’

When you don’t know where you’ve been

You hide the shame that you’re not showin’

And you won’t let anyone in

A crowded street can be a quiet place

When you’re walking alone

Chorus:
Now you think that you’re the only one

Who doesn’t have try

Then you won’t have to fail

If you’re afraid to fly

Then I guess you never will

You hide behind your walls of maybe nevers

Forgetting that there’s something more

Than just knowing better

Your mistakes do not define you now

They tell you who you’re not

You’ve got to live this life you’re given

Like it’s the only one you’ve got

Memories have left you broken

And the scars have never healed

The emptiness in you is growing

With so little left to feel

You’re scared to look back on the days before

And too tired to move on

Chorus

I don’t really know a better way to say where I was and what I have done and where I am trying to go. I didn’t even see how I was refusing to see things about myself. I didn’t even see the walls I had put up. And they were solid. And as the song says, I had “so little left to feel.” I didn’t feel much. And you know what was the strangest thing about all that. It was that I had convinced myself that I was in a virtuous place. I was running from life, from relationship, from feeling, from God. And I believed that I was better for it. That I was governed by the rational. By the scientific. By the sensible. And that emotion did not control me. But I was able to discover the lie I was telling myself and see it for what it is. I was able to see that avoidance and refusal and judgment are probably more often signs of fear and weakness and bondage than they are signs of morality and strength and humility.

I challenge those of you reading this to live by the words of this song. I challenge you to live with freedom and moderation. I challenge you to look at what you think is black and white and examine whether or not you are avoiding something by taking that position. I challenge you not to judge. I challenge you not to shame. I challenge you to offer grace to everyone, including your spouse and your kids (often the hardest to give grace to ironically). I challenge you to feel. I challenge you to achieve something you don’t have the strength, talent, and stamina to achieve. I challenge you to be quiet. I challenge you not feel sorry for yourself. I challenge you to not live by the shame others may heap on you. I challenge you to live with genuine humility. And I challenge myself to the same because I am so very far away from all of it.

Karmen

I just wanted to say how awesome my wife is. She is a great person, just a truly decent human being, and she makes me a better man. If it was not for her, I would be a self-absorbed doofus (well, more of a doofus than I am now) with a million more sharp edges than I have now (and I still have plenty). Karmen softens me. She smooths out the thorny parts. She is the reason why anybody likes me at all. And when I get all self-absorby which I too often do, she helps set me back straight. I don’t like it when she does that, and too often I give her a bit hell for it, but in the end she knows what she is doing and smooths me out again.

She is lovely, just beautiful. I am lucky that she saw something in me. I probably deserve someone with more warts and thorns, not the beauty that she posseses. And now that she is getting tan, she is actually quite hot (although she may get skin cancer as I am prone to telling her). Her beauty really does catch me off guard at times, taking my breath away.

She puts up with all my junk. Some of that junk is my not so soft personality and my not so soft communication style and my apparent cluelessness about the finer points of interpersonal communication. She puts up with my triathlon junk, even willing to be dragged all over the country for my races. She puts up with the money that I put into my triathlon junk. She puts up with all the other stuff that I tend to get caught up doing. Sometimes I try to do so much all the time that I just don’t sit and do nothing, and she puts up with that.

She teaches me. How to be quiet. How to rest. How to know God better. How to communicate better. How to be more humble. How to be a better dad. How to love her better. How to be nicer to people. How to be courageous. How to love my boys better.

I really do not think I would be nearly as well off as I am in this without Karmen there to love me, and teach me, and lead me, and support me. I need her more than anything else in my life. I am grateful for all she does for me. I love her.

Well. I did it myself.

Today was my first day back at intense and longer workouts since my Ironman race 3 weeks back. It felt good to be in the pool. Did 40 laps. Then I had planned to do 24 or 36 miles (I have a 12 mile loop that I ride) on my bike depending on how I felt. My mind was rather quickly made up for an unexpected reason.

I was at mile 3 on my ride. It felt good to be on my bike again. My legs felt good. There was minimal wind. I stopped for a traffic light. The pedals on my new Felt are different from those on my Giant. The old pedals are Look. The new ones are Speedplay. They are both of the type that lock your shoe onto the pedal via a cleat on the bottom of the shoe. But the locking mechanism is different for the Speedplay than the Look. It has taken me a bit to adjust to the difference, but I haven’t had any major problems until today.

As the light turned green I put my right foot onto the pedal and thought that I felt it lock in. I pushed down hard on the crank to get going, and on that first push with my right leg, my foot slipped off the pedal. My ankle hit the chainring. It was one of those few second delays where you realize you did something that will hurt, but the hurt hasn’t started yet. A couple of seconds later, there came the hurt. I looked down and saw a 4 cm L-shaped laceration superior and slightly posterior to my medial (inside) malleolus (ankle bone). It wasn’t bleeding a whole lot, really minimal bleeding for the depth. I could see a little fascia (muscle covering) at the base of the cut so I knew it was deep. It looked like a small cave really. I stayed on the bike and coasted thinking about what I was going to do. I really did not want to cut my workout short on the first day back. It felt a bit better after a couple of minutes. So I decided to keep riding but only to do 24 miles instead of 36 miles.

So I got home, changed, and gathered some supplies to clean up my ankle. There was more blood in my shoe that I thought there would be. I got a stool and a basin and soap and some super glue and sat in the bathtub on the stool and rinsed my wound with warm water. I had stopped bleeding. I got all the dried blood cleaned out fairly easily. It was deep enough that it would do better healing if the wound edges were approximated, but it was gapping open too much to use super glue. My thought through the whole thing, injury and cleaning, was that I needed to do whatever it took to make sure this was not going to hurt my training.

I decided I needed some stitches. So I called a couple of my doctor buds. One was in a meeting for a couple hours. He was out. The other did not get back to me after about 15 minutes. I remembered that I had an emergency first aid kit that I had put together for when I have been out climbing in Colorado. It was in my backpack downstairs and had suturing materials in it including Lidocaine and a syringe. I have always wondered if I could suture myself up if I ever needed to do so. Well I decided that this would be the day that I would learn this particular thing about myself.

So I did it myself. My second doctor buddy responded to my text with a text of his own as I was completing the job. He said to meet him at his office in 30 minutes. My response was, “Well. I did it myself.”

Strange day.

I Remember…

As I said awhile back, one of the things for which I want to use my blog is a sort of journal. I want to be able to go back and read what I was thinking back then. It seems to help me both see how far I have gone and at times helps me refocus on what I have thought was important. So this post is pure journal. It’s mostly for me. If you get bored with it, drop out.

I have found myself drifting off to moments during my Ironman race a couple of weeks back. I want to get those things down before they pass.

I remember…..

Trying to stay calm between the time I got up, 3:30 AM, and the time the race started, 7:00. I sat by the fire and read my Bible in the open courtyard of our hotel. There was a breeze blowing in the trees, and I wondered if that was a sign of what the day would be like as wind and bike do not often mesh well. I tried to tell myself that I was glad I didn’t have one of the those cool Zipp rear disc $1500 wheels because the wind would make those hard to ride. I was comforting myself. Of course I want one.

Getting some coffee on the walk down to Transition to get set up. Feeling calm and yet vigilant. The darkness felt like a blanket of comfort.

A very active Transition area. People, music, volunteers. Alot of spectators up on the bridges and around the perimeter of Transition. It felt good to be part of the reason all those people were there to watch. I found Karmen, Jack, and Jace looking from the bridge and was able to talk with them prior to the start. They were holding up the signs they made for me.

Finding Bill Martin and arranging to start the swim together. Bill said he had to run back to the car. It seemed like an odd thing to say 30 min before the race of our lives started. Why, I thought.

Standing in line to drain my parts. 10 minute wait. Did it twice.

Putting on my wesuit, meeting up with Bill, crossing the timing mat leading to the lake. The timing mats chirp when an athlete crosses and with all of crossing in mass, it was like a flock of birds. It was a 10 foot drop to jump into the lake. I probably went 10 feet under too, and it suprised me the lake was that deep. I’m a little freaked in open water by what may be under me, but I had none of that. The water was mirky enough that I couldn’t even see my hand when my arm was down in the water in front of me. So any lake monsters could not likely see me.

Floating (a tri wetsuit provides enough buoyancy to keep you floating without treading water much - a great energy saver) out to where I wanted to position myself. 2,500 other athletes in the lake getting ready to swim. Chilly water. Everybody talking and excited. Bill and I congratulating each other on just being there and all the work we had done to get there.

Excited to be finally racing after a year of preparation.

Feeling really relaxed and strong about 30 minutes into the swim and being glad that I had practiced in the lake for 3 days prior to race day. It felt familiar.

Some old dude bumped into me on the right. I think I then bumped him back which made him a bit testy. His next move was to shove me with his forearm. We both popped up after the fracas and I glared him down, for about 1.54 seconds. Then I just swam faster than him.

Feeling surprised that the pack did not thin out more. I was battling the bump and grind the entire way. But on the corners (the course was a long skinny rectangle) as everybody bunched up trying to take the tangent, there was enough of a flow of water that I did not have to work to propel myself at all around the corners. I just went with the flow. It was kind of cool. I made a mental note to try and do more drafting in the water next time.

Feeling really good about swimming a pretty straight line which has been a challenge for me in open water swims prior.

Feeling good about my form. Rolling from side to side. Sighting every 10 strokes or so. Reaching long out in front. Keeping my form despite the chaos around me. Feeling completely relaxed instead of tense.

Not feeling dizzy when I got out of the water. I sometimes feel dizzy for 10 seconds or so, but there was none. My sinuses also did not hurt. Sometimes after swimming for 75 minutes, my sinuses ache from my goggles. Not this time.

Climbing the stairs, having my wetsuit peeled off, running to the changing tent seems like a blur. I wish I had noticed it more. The Martins yelled out to me while running to get my T1 bag.

Not feeling tired after the swim. I felt strong.

Winding up through the crowd on my bike as I was leaving T1. Everyone cheering. My nametag had my last name on it so everyone was calling me “Lewis.”

Eating Lorna Doones on the bike. I tried to eat about 5-6 per hour. They seem to be the kindest on my stomach. The gels and bars don’t digest well. I love Lorna Doones so using them is like a little treat.

Realizing in that first 2 miles that it was breezy and wondering what that would mean out on the reservation in the desert.

Fear. At the first aide station I took a new Gatorade bottle and saw that it was the Endurance Formula, more concentrated than the regular stuff with which I trained. I have made the mistake of changing stuff on race day that you did not train with and it went bad. I scrambled to figure out what I would do to make this a non-issue.

Peace. I decided to take in more water than I had planned to thin out the Endurance Formula.

Hell. Once out on the reservation, the wind was hellacious. Enough dirt was in the air to feel it in my teeth. Had to drop to the small chain ring once the 10 mile long hill started.

Excited. Even though about 12-14 mph was all I felt I could manage on the way out in order to conserve for later in the day, I realized the ride back into town was going to be like flying as I saw the first pro’s zoom by.

Flying. About a mile after turning around when my speedometer read 30 mph I actually laughed out loud. It was awesome. It was like flying. Going 30 + mph on a bike is a powerful experience. It can be deadly too, but it is powerful. I loved it.

Strategizing. On that first loop back into town I broke the remaining bike portion down into 4 smaller segments. 2 hell segments on the way out and 2 heaven segments on the way back.

Ridiculous. As the first male pro’s and then female pro’s lapped me, I really did say to myself how ridiculous it was that they could perform at that level. Ridiculous.

Crazy. As I realized pro’s were lapping me, I thought how crazy it is that I am out here on the same course at the same race at the same time as the pro’s in my sport. In what other sport can you do that? (I’m sure there are some.)

Peace again. At the turn around on the second loop, I realized I was at the half way mark, 56 miles. The first half had been 2 of the uphill headwind segments and one downhill fly. The second half was going to being 2 downhill fly’s and one uphill headwind. So effort-wise, I was over half way done with the bike.

Defeated. The wind died down a bit as I made that last turn around on the third lap so I wasn’t getting as much help getting back into town.

Fortunate. There were a lot of mechanical failures and several crashes. I had no problems of that nature. I even saw a few people get hauled off in ambulances.

Confused. In the middle of my second lap, one of the officials rode slowly by me on his motorcycle. He looked at me and said my name and something else that I couldn’t understand. It almost looked as if he gave me the up and down, you know, the judging the coolness of your set-up kind of up and down. Then I wondered if he was giving me a penalty. A card is supposed to be shown to you if you are penalized. Then you are supposed to stop at the next penalty tent for your time penalty, 4 minutes for a red card (drafting) and just a stop and sign the register for a yellow card (anything else). He did not show me a card so I spent the next 20 miles thinking about what I was going to do as the penalty tent approached. I did not want to be DQ’d so I deciced to stop and inquire. My butt needed a separation from my seat anyway. There was another rider at the tent when I stopped. He said the ref showed him a card very definitely and basically told him to his face to get to the penalty tent. Well that cleared it up. That did not happen to me. Maybe the ref was just admiring my performance. The whole stop took 20 seconds but gave me a ton in the way of peace of mind. And my butt was happier.

Aching. My neck and butt just ached by about 80 miles into the ride. It was impossible to get comfortable. I saw a guy coming back into town resting his elbow on his aerobar pad with his arm bent up to rest his chin on his hand. I decided to try it. I did help a bit, but made my steering unstable enough as to feel like it was an unproductive positioning. I only did it for brief, 30 second, intervals.

Familiar. With about 15 miles left on the bike I began to realize my stomach was shutting down, that I felt dizzy, that I felt weak, that my mouth was dry, and that I wasn’t sweating. This has happened to me in every single endurance race I have competed although it has gotten better each time. I was determined to avoid it this time, but there it was.

Defeated. Knowing I still had a marathon to run, I wondered how I was going to get it done. I needed to just sit down and figure this out.

Tired. I took my time in T2, sitting and changing slowly and trying to regain something. I cooled down. The sickness did not leave.

Determined. I was not going to quit. I went to get sunscreen put on, and the gal lubing me up noticed I was about to fall over and sent me to the medical tent.

Blank. There was about an hour period where I felt like I would not reach my goal that I had worked for for such a long time. I was numb as I stepped into the medical tent. But they were really nice to me and had a positive attitude about themselves. They very quickly told me my sodium was low and starting me sucking on some chicken broth which in about 20 minutes led me to feeling……

Better. I felt better. Karmen and the boys were standing outside the fence watching me while I was in the medical area. I stood up and felt good and motioned to them that I was going out on the run. I wondered at the time if Karmen was wishing I would just stop. She had some fear all along that I would hurt myself doing this, and I wondered if she was worried.

Walking over the timing mat to the run feeling stronger than I had an hour prior thinking that if I had to, I could still get the marathon done by the time cut-offs even if I walked it all. I decided to set a brisk walking pace to try and continue to recover.

Chicken broth. All the aide stations had chicken broth. Some of it was too weak. Some too strong. Some too cold. Some too hot. Some was perfect. I took it at almost every opportunity along with some Gatorade or water. Later on I started to take orange slices too. Tried the Coke but it was too sweet for me.

I was able to walk a 4 mph pace for the first 3 miles. Then I felt sick again. I wondered if I would make it again. It was at this point that the route crossed back over the bridge above Tempe Town Lake and near the transition area. As more and more people lined the route and called me “Lewis” I began to feel stronger. “Go Lewis.” “You’re doing great, Lewis.” “Keep it up Lewis.” It really did help. I had chills.

Seeing Karmen and my boys. I cried the first time I passed them. Not sure why. I don’t think they know that I cried. I was still walking and felt a little bit of failure and disappointment for that. Maybe there was a tear for that as they were seeing that defeat. But I think it was mostly feeling humbled that they were out there for me, in the heat, dirty, hungry, crowded, and probably bored some of the time. But they endured all that for me. How lucky I am to have them. That is why I cried. And that is why I stayed in the race.

Bill. About 2 miles later, Bill caught up to me. He was feeling as lousy as I had been. I was feeling much stronger by this point, 5 miles in. My stomach was emptying. I was sweating again. My mouth was not so dry. The dizziness was gone. So I nursed Bill back by getting him on the chicken juice. He spit it out the first time. I made him down it from then on. By about mile 7 we were both feeling pretty strong and started to run.

Sunset. We were heading back west now along the lake. The sun was setting. It was getting cooler. We both knew that now for certain, we were going to finish. The time cutoffs were not even going to be a factor. It felt peaceful to now be sure that I could get to the end. I still had about 18 miles to go, but I felt strong even though tiredness was setting in. I felt some chills again.

Darkness. That familiar blanket that comforted me in the morning as I was walking down to Transition was back. I love darkness. It does feel like a blanket. I warms me. I comforts me. It is peace to me. Now it was back, helping me finish. I love darkness.

Burning in my feet. I was so certain that I was developing a couple of nastly blisters. There were hot spots on the balls of both feet. I even thought that I felt them pop. I didn’t want to sit down and examine them for fear of not being able to get back up. Just needed to keep going. When I finally sat down after the race and took off my shoes and socks, no blister. Not a one. Amazing.

Energized. As I started that last lap and looked up where I would soon be finishing, I felt chills again and I felt energized. I actually was able to pick up the pace. By this time I was alone, and I felt like that is the way it should be. Triathlon is an idividual sport, and finishing it alone was the right way to do it. I ran harder and felt strong. The dark pushed me. The chicken juice fueled me. Maybe I need to get a pet chicken and name him Ironman (or Ironchicken).

Loving it. I had never been more tired in my life, but I loved the feeling. I loved pushing myself that far. I loved almost not making it and then coming back. Not giving up. As I ran the last lap, alone, I thought of those things. Again coming back over the lake to pass Transition one more time on the last half loop before I would finish, there were Karmen and my boys. Jack and Jace came out on the path a bit. I ate an orange slice and drank some Gatorade. Karmen asked if I was going to make it. I told her to meet me at the finish. Only 4 miles left.

Flying again. Those last four miles seemed to fly by. I ran them harder. Still stopped to drink the chicken juice. It was my savior. But got right back to running hard. I thanked a lot of the volunteers that were working the course, for picking up our trash. They seemed glad to do it. They were a bunch of awesome people. 

Stink. For some odd reason (actually there is a park in Tempe that the run course crossed multiple times) in the middle of Tempe there is a coral for horses, stinky horses. It was wonderful to get a mouthful of that each of the six times I ran by.

Laughing. At mile 23 the first gal at the aide station asked me if there was anything I needed. I asked if she really meant anything because I would really like some potato chips. She was actually willing to try and get me some. I thanked her just for that, the willingness. She said someone earlier had gotten a hot dog. I laughed.

The mile 24 aide station had music playing. The last time I passed it, AC DC’s TNT was playing. There is no better music to fill you with energy than AC DC. It is just raw rock. Chills again. Began picking up the pace.

The mile 25 aide station had some sort of cheerleading squad that had obviously volunteered to work the race. By this time I was running about an 8 minute mile which is not blazing by any means, but after all that I had done, I felt that it was blazing. With just a mile left, I figured I could pass on the chicken juice. So I ran through the aide station. This must have psyched up the cheerleaders because the started some little cheer. I can’t remember what it was. Maybe it had the words proud, cocky, and Kawasaki in it. Not sure.

“That is a strong pace, Lewis.” I think 8 different people along that last mile told me those exact words. I thought it funny that they all said it exactly the same.

Passing. I passed quite a few people in that last 8 mile lap. After getting passed for the 6 miles that I walked, it felt good to run most of the last 20 miles and do a little passing myself.

The turn. To finish, you had to turn off the loop and run a bit of a hill to the street where the finish chute was. I turned up that hill and just felt wildly excited. Tired and about ready to drop, but wild. I passed another 10 people in the 0.2 miles up that hill. I couldn’t understand why they were going slow. We are almost there. Pick it up.

As I turned down the finishing chute, it was about 100 yards to the finish line. Jack stepped out to run that last 100 yards with me. It was 10:30 PM and the stands were still full of people. I think there were 1,000 people at least in the stands and many more milling around. Jack did not want to hold my hand which I thought was funny. He and I passed a couple more people just before we crossed the line. I raised my hands in the air and gave a fist. I was done. A nice girl in a blue shirt, one of the finish line workers, grabbed my arm to steady me. She put a space blanket on me so I wouldn’t cool down too quickly. She gave me a finisher’s medal. Someone else gave me a finisher’s shirt and hat. A little Spanish looking man took the timing chip from my ankle. Then I heard Karmen call my name. She and Jace were now there. It was done. She cried.

I later learned, as we ate room service cheeseburgers and fries, sitting on the bed in the hotel talking, how grueling the day had been for the three of them. They had wanted so bad to support me at every possible moment that they had not really left the Transition area much. So they had eaten little. Jack and Jace had found some dirt to play in at one point and their hair was just filled with sandy particles. Jace at one point had fallen asleep in the gutter along the curb of the street. So they endured a lot, and they stuck it out, and they were there to support me. I am humbled. And I am honored to be loved in such a way.

Sorry for the length. Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

 

 

The Lord of the Rings - Part 3

OK. There are so many themes and messages in this trilogy that I could write an entire book. And entire books have been written. But I want to focus on 2 things.

First. Evil cannot win. It cannot sustain itself. By nature it cannot win. Some may say that the basic quality of evil is the desire for power. And certainly that is in there. But I think the basic quality or nature of evil is that it consumes. And it consumes everything. And eventual that means it consumes itself. It occurred to me as the order went out for the orcs to attack Minas Tirith and “leave nothing alive,” what next? After evil wipes out all the good, what is left for evil to do. It is not like the orcs are going to then settle down and start little orc families. After Sauron conquers all of Middle Earth and then has all the power, what next? Will he build a gazebo and rest on his back porch. No. The need to consume is still there. Evil is about consumption. That gives me pause when I think of how our society consumes. We consume. We consume. We consume. It is interesting how that idea parallels the search for riches. How much money is enough? Just a little bit more. How much economic growth is enough? Just a little bit more. How much corporate gain is enough? Just a little bit more than last year. The desire for more never stops. And we set up this country as a free place to do that and called it wonderful and good and based on consumption. We lie about it to ourselves. We veil ourselves with how we have to consume to progress. We have to consume to keep the economy going. If we don’t consume, it will all break down. I think we ought to be very very careful about how we have made ourselves all about consumption. Because evil is about consumption. That does not mean that all consumption is evil. But it is a slippery slope.

Point number two is a little more esoteric. At one point on the journey of Frodo and Sam and led by Gollum, they are on the secret staircase which leads to the Dark Tower. They have stopped to rest. Gollum frames Sam by wasting what food they have left. It is his last attempt to isolate Frodo from Sam so that he can get to ring more easily. The plot works and Frodo sends Sam home.

During the exchange, Gollum tells Frodo that only he, Gollum, truly understands the burden the Frodo bears. That “the fat little hobbit” cannot possibly understand as he has not carried the ring/burden. Sam pleads with Frodo to listen to him, that Gollum is a deceptive liar, but Frodo refuses to hear it. He sends Sam home. It is really amazing to watch because it mimics what all of us do in real life. We choose to hold on to the burden, the pain, the rage, the anger. Why? Because it at least feels comfortable. There is some empathy there. We become co-dependent on the pain. Peace is foreign. We do not know what lies in that realm. We are afraid of the unknown. So we refuse to listen to those who are trying to help us, to those who can help us most, to those who love us the most. And we instead choose to listen to those who would deceive us. Later on, at Mount Doom, as Frodo is trying to decide to drop the ring into the fire to destroy it, he again has trouble letting go of his pain, of his burden. Sam says to him, “Just let it go.” I could see the pain in Sam’s eyes. The tiredness. The anguish. They had come so far. Been through so much. And still Frodo would not let it go. All he had to do was just let it go. Oh how that mirrors the human condition so much.

So that is it. I love these movies. They awaken emotion and truth and inspiration within me. If you haven’t seem them, you should.

The Lord of the Rings - Part 2

The boys LOR weekend continues. We watched number 2, The Two Towers, last night while eating greasy burgers from Sonic and drinking a 2 liter of Mountain Dew. Jack thought that this one was more “creepy” than the number 1, mainly because of the marsh that they cross where dead people are floating in the water face up, reminders of battles past. But we survived and will probably knock number 3 out this morning. Jack and Jace don’t know it yet as they are still asleep. I will surprise them when they wake up.

I see the main theme in the second film as that of enduring friendship. How odd that friendship is what Paul Hill talked about last night at church. He talked about how we usually assign only “agape” love to god. This type of love is objective. It says that I will love you always no matter what you do or where you go. I will not leave you. What this type of love is not is sentimental. It does not move you. It is almost cold (my words). It is by choice. He explained that while god certainly has this kind of love for us, he also has “phileo” for us. This is the kind of love you have for a friend. It is affectionate, sentimental, emotional. It moves you. And that god also has this kind of love for us. He likes us. He wants to be where we are. He has affection for us. That is a powerful thought and something from which I have wandered in the last few months.

Amazing how these kinds of love are very much at play in Frodo and Sam’s relationship. As Frodo carries the ring, it changes him, as it does to anyone who possesses it. We see it change Bilbo. He does not want to give it up. We see it change Gollum for certain. He transforms from a young boy to the miserable creature that he is. We see Gandalf, who understands its power, refuse to even touch it. We see countless men destroyed by it, Boromir, Isuldur, etc. So as Frodo possesses it longer and longer while on the journey to destroy it, he is gradually affected by it, not wanting to separate from it, being hyper-suspicious of others trying to take it, feeling its weight. We even see him at times acting like Gollum, calling it “precious.” Jack, my 10 year old, even picked up that himself without my prompting (he is a very smart boy).

Well, Sam stands firm. He does not give up on Frodo. He offers Frodo grace. He encourages Frodo. He saves Frodo from injury and death. He never leaves Frodo’s side. Some of that is obviously “agape.” He even states that he made a promise to Gandalf to always keep an eye on Frodo. It is obvious that he is making a choice not to break it. It is a very objective love. But he also is filled with much “phileo” as he and Frodo journey. And I think the “phileo” even increases as the journey progresses. Despite Frodo pinning Sam to the ground and holding Sting (Frodo’s sword) to Sam’s throat, Sam still holds true with obvious love and compassion and grace for his friend. That is “phileo” in action. It is not a cold love that we see. It is genuine affection, and that is despite how he is treated by Frodo at times. And after the knife incident when Frodo realizes what he is doing and is on the verge of abandoning the task, Sam gives a moving speech of hope in the good of men and the world.

I want that kind of friend. I want to be the recipient of that kind of friendship. I want to have that kind of relationship with Christ. I want to have that kind of relationship with Karmen (of course I would like some, no a lot, of “eros” added in here). And so I hear the boys stirring now. They again slept on the floor in my room, but of course The Lord of the Rings is “not scary” to hear them talk about it. The just “like sleeping on the floor in your room.”

The Lord of the Rings - Part 1

I first read The Hobbit when I was a freshman at Little Rock Catholic High School For Boys. It was on the reading list for my English class. I fell in love with the story. As the trilogy also subsequently appeared on the reading list, I completed the series. I again read it in its entirety before each of the movies came out a few years back. I have now watched the entire trilogy multiple times. There is so much in those movies that I actually enjoy seeing them over and over. There are not many movies that I enjoy watching for the 4th and 5th time. These I do. Well my boys have been asking non-stop questions about them since seeing a snippet of one while in Tempe a couple weeks back. To this point we have felt maybe they were too intense for their 9 and 10 year old brains. But they have seen all 6 Star Wars and all 3 Pirates of the Carribean so we figured they could probably handle these now. So Karmen is OOT this weekend, and we decided to make this a Lord of the Rings weekend. We watched the first one tonight.

Do you ever have those times where you look at yourself and realize that you have fallen into some of your old ways without even realizing it? Things happen, you do a few stupid things, someone calls you out, and all of a sudden you see yourself more clearly for who you are. That happened today and a phrase from the movie tonight was like a laser exposing my charade. These movies are good for that, exposing truth.

The Fellowship has been forced to take a path through the mines of Mount Moriah and are stopping for a rest as Gandalf considers which corridor they should select for travel. He and Frodo begin a conversation which centers on Gollum. Frodo says that it is a pity that Bilbo did not kill Gollum when he had the chance. Gandalf’s response is a laser that exposes truth. He explains that it was pity that stayed Bilbo’s hand. And then he gives this quote, “Do not be to eager to deal out death and judgment.” In flies the arrow straight to my core.

I became very clearly aware today and tonight about how that old problem of selfishness and an unhealthy self-focus has crept back into my behavior. How I have been passing out a lot of judgment. Most of it in subtle ways but still very much there. I see it mostly in my responses to others. In the way I am too quick to take offense. In the way I am unwilling to truly listen. In the way I have no time for others. In the way I would rather lecture someone than listen. In the way I am more concerned about being understood than trying to understand. In the way I have different standards for others than I have for myself. In the way I expect grace from others but give little in return to them. In the way I can argue the crap out of anything. In the way I think I am “above all that.” In the way I tend to see things too black and white, running and hiding behind theology or rules without asking the tough questions sometimes. In the way I look to exclude rather than include. It just makes my soul feel black.

So if you have been the recipient of my judgment recently in any way, I apologize sincerely from my core. I have done that truly human dance of taking 3 steps forward and then 2 steps back. But yet again I have been graciously refocused although it feels more like a slap in the face than anything involving grace. And even thought the dance is back and forth, if I just stay in the game I make progress no matter how slow it may be. And sometimes just staying in the race turns you into an Ironman. Couldn’t resist that one.

We are watching part 2 tomorrow night. Will probably be rocked by something else so stay tuned for part 2 on the blog.